Tuesday, September 23, 2014 | By: BlackGargie

RIP, My Sweet Niece

Just got back from the funeral, so thought I'd update the situation after the previous post.

After her death, we all agreed that the little girl should be buried next to her grandma who passed away not too long ago from relapsed cancer, and the ambulance have been arranged to bring her there and all the procedures like paperwork, bishop to officiate the funeral rites as well as the coffin were done. We originally wanted to get her a child's coffin, but apparently churches do not provide children's coffin, and outside services costs a bit, and we all know the last thing my sis in law wants is to spend money. But in the end, ultimately they chose an adult coffin anyway because they wanted to include all her worldly possessions into her coffin and having a kid's coffin is just not big enough to fit everything.

The funeral was somber, but went without a hitch. The bishop was a bit of a mumbler, and we can't tell where or when he has finished his lines, but overall he did his job well and the rituals and rites went swimmingly. It was originally a closed casket at first, but apparently the bishop has to bless the coffin with holy water and such, so we are able to view her one last time before they closed the coffin for good.

She looked so peaceful, albeit still a little dead-looking from when I last saw her at the hospital, but she was still the most beautiful. My BFF also came over to attend the funeral and when all the direct family members (including my BFF, since he's also our cousin) were the last to give a longer last view of her, he cried along with us. It was the first time I saw him cry, and even my dad in law who put up a strong front all this time finally gave in to his manly tears. We were all in sobs, and her older brother and younger brother, though knowing that she was dead, had just had the reality sunken into them and they finally let loose their emotions and cried their hearts out, especially the older brother, whose cry was so heartbroken, it made me cry even harder.

I dunno if it's just me, but I feel like my sis in law was not grieving as badly as a mother should. In fact, it didn't feel like she was grieving as hard as she should when she came in to the hospital ward to see her daughter for the last time. During the funeral, I saw her cry, but she didn't cry like a mother lost a child. None of that bawling, crying, screaming and hugging and all tht, just quiet sobs. Even her own sons cried harder than she did, and yet she barely uttered a peep.

You might think that maybe she's just suppressing her emotions, keeping it down to put up a strong front for everyone, but come on! It's your daughter! Your only daughter! The daughter that you apparently let her die! Don't you feel any goddamn guilt AT ALL??

God, I wanna just kill her but I had to respect my dad in law's wishes.

I kept my mouth shut and gave her the silent treatment all day during the funeral. Even after bringing her to the cemetery to be buried and putting more of her worldly things with her inside the grave, watching her coffin being lowered down and the dirt and cement officially covering her up for all eternity, I didn't even want to LOOK at her in the eye, not even when she was right next to me.

Even when we were supposed to meet up with my in-laws (who apparently there is a Chinese thing where old people aren't supposed to bury their young ones or something) for brunch, I didn't even want to share the car with them, and rather have my BFF bring us there. Even when she spoke, I refused to respond to her. That's how angry I was with her.

This is not fair... Not fair at all... All this could've been avoided if they just paid attention...

And don't they dare tell me its God's plan because taking a child away from a parent is the worst plan ever.

I will never believe that. I refuse to believe that!

They love their sons more than they love their daughter, and they have 3 of them! That's even worse! Why can't they give her the same equal love?

This is not God's plan! It's not! It's something that could've been prevented at all cost if they had paid attention to the signs! It is something that could be totally avoided if she were to seek medical help faster. And she has a full clearance access to a no-waiting list medical services in the hospital where when she gets admitted, a team of doctors and nurses will attend to her, no questions asked. So why? WHY??

My dad in law tells us beforehand that we should try to act as normal and not make things worse, but I WANT to make it worse. I want her to suffer! I want to let her know that she will never be forgiven nor forgotten.

I will never forgive her.


Few of my friends say that if I want her to suffer, then let it be. Something will happen and she'll be wishing it never happened and regret what she's done.

Well, I kinda want her to have her karma NOW!

Did you know that most of the abuse she did to her was behind her hubby's back? Her hubby has at least some inkling of concern for her, but she hates her with a passion for no fucking reason. If her hubby knew what she had done, he'd divorce her and take her kids away in a heartbeat.

I hope that day comes

I hope that day comes so fast she won't even have time to react and then she'll be fucking sorry.

For now I am going to make her suffer my own way.

I will not talk to her ever again. Maybe some mild response, but I won't have a full fledge conversation with her. They don't want me to kill her, fine, but lemme have my own satisfaction.

In a way, I can take consolation that she doesn't have to suffer anymore through her sickness and abuse, but still...

It's still so heartbreaking...
Monday, September 15, 2014 | By: BlackGargie

Two Deaths in the Family

My little niece...is gone...

I better start from the top.

Last Saturday, we heard some sad news that my 2nd sis in law's mom in law had finally succumbed to her relapsed cancer and died. It was quite sudden, but we sorta half expected it since she was getting into the age, and the cancer was almost too far gone for her to fight it, so we were surprised, but not too surprised.

That wasn't the saddest bit.

The saddest bit was that we lost our dear little niece too.

I'm sure you remember my previous entries about our dear little niece who had always been the object of bullying and neglect and unwarranted hate by her own mother.

Well now it seems that God couldn't take it anymore and decided to take her away from all this suffering.

She was originally getting better since she was finally qualified for surgery to fix her hole-in-heart problem, and when she came back from the surgery at KL, we were looking forward to see her having a happy and somewhat normal life.

But as soon as she got back, she had lost all the attention she deserved to get and it was back to the routine of being verbally abused and neglected and just plain hated. She became steadily thinner and less cheerful and more stressed out and her health began deteriorating again, and when the family announced that they are finally moving out since they found themselves a new home, the first thing I worried was for her, since without our watchful eyes and without supervision, my sis in law's treatment towards her would worsen.

Then today, when I was doing my work as usual, my hubs called me out of the blue to tell me that our niece has been admitted to ICU due to her condition worsening. She had been having a bit of a fever and a cough, and had been coughing very badly last night and at a very long period with vomiting in between, but her parents assured us that it was just the usual bug, even went to the doctors to confirm it, and insisted that she will be fine with some meds, so we didn't think much of it. The docs were actually quite concerned after her visit and tried to follow up with them the next day (which was yesterday), but we didn't know that this was a precursor to a horrific end.

When my hubs told me that, I was worried, since we all knew she wasn't a very well girl to begin with, but I couldn't really leave work, so I told him to go on without me and update me. A few minutes later, my hubs called again to tell me the sad news and my heart just sank.

She's gone.

The docs were putting her on a breathing machine, but her heart has officially stopped.

We lost her.


They killed her! The parents who were supposed to take better care of her neglected her as always! And now she's practically gone!

I asked my superior for an emergency leave and had to go. Luckily I only needed to change a few things on the forms I was doing, so Jocee could take over for me. When we were in the car, my hubs told me not to say anything and keep quiet and let them grieve. How could I not say something?! How could I just keep quiet when I knew she was the one who killed their little girl?!

When we got there I was greeted with a sight so heavy that I couldn't believe it was real. She looked so blue, her body was cold and I've never seen something so tragic. Her eyes were slightly upturned and her body colour looked like she was starting to slowly enter the stage of rigor mortis, but she was still a little soft to the touch. She may not be my daughter, but at that moment, I cried like a baby. I gripped her sheets and buried my face next to her and hugged her and I just cried. My mom in law cried the hardest, but we all cried, even my hubs, with the exception of my dad in law, since he has to put a strong front.

Not sure the full story, but basically after her last night's cough and fever got worse, my hub's parents brought her to the clinic, which in turn led her to RIPAS ICU, since one look at her and the docs knew the worse. They had to X-ray her and scan her and all that, and apparently one of her lungs has yet to recover from an infection she got when she was at KL at the time, and it was slightly collapsed and her other lung worked too hard to compensate until it got infected too, and both of their weight compressed her heart and it gave out, and from there, her heart basically just stopped. They originally tried to get her to breathe normally by putting the gas mask on, but she refused the gas mask and the help, as if she knew that there was something wrong with her that could not be saved, and her last words were "I wanna throw up" before she just suddenly went into shock and collapsed. According to my dad in law, when they tried to revive her, she coughed up blood and that was the last breath she ever made.

She was lying there on the bed motionless, on respiratory machine to sustain her until her parents come over from KB, but she has no pulse, no heartbeat, nothing.

She's gone.

Completely gone

So this is what numb feels like...

I went out of the ward as soon as my sis in law and her husband arrived. I couldn't stand being in the same room with them knowing that they had a hand in this, and if I ever stayed there, I knew I was going to do or say something that I may or may not regret. I just sat out here, feeling so numb from crying and trying to control myself from going on a killing spree against her and her husband.

If they had paid attention to the signs instead of accusing her for pretending to be sick, this wouldn't have happened. I have the right mind to call the police on them and scream at them for being a murderer if it weren't for my dad in law saying that we should let them grieve.

In my opinion they are not punished enough. They should be arrested and jailed, and even that is not punishment enough. I want them to suffer the consequences forever, and never be forgiven or forgotten about it. My dad in law said karma will get to her eventually, but I want karma to strike her NOW! I want to give her my own brand of karma for all the horrible things she had done to her poor little girl who wanted nothing more than to be loved and looked after like a parent should be doing. I bet this is not even a lesson for her. I bet it's probably a relief for her, that she doesn't have to bother about her troublesome mistake of a child any longer.

I really feel like stabbing her right now...

We said our last goodbyes, I hugged our little niece and said goodbye and said that I was sorry. Then we came home and held our little princess and spend our every waking moment with her, telling her that we love her. I called my dad to tell him the news, and he told me to do some old midwives' tale ritual and all that. I'm not superstitious, but I did it anyway just in case.

I really was sorry. I was sorry I couldn't protect her. I was sorry I didn't do enough to rescue her from her terrible life with her parents. I was sorry I couldn't be with her more when she needed the most attention. I was sorry. I was sorry for everything an aunt should've done.

I'll never forgive them. Never!

I'm so...so sorry...

A New Job

Got me a new job again.

Ever since I got canned, I have been enjoying my unemployment life for quite a while, doing my freelance writing at the same time and just basically loving the night owls and sleeping in life everyday. I was worried that since my body clock has adjusted for work, I won't be able to stay up late, but apparently adjusting into night owl life was easier than I expected.

Then came the call.

After that trip to Bali, my hubs' ex-colleague who represented the tour group found out about me not working and decided to stick her nose into business where she shouldn't and asked if I were interested in working in her company. I was perfectly fine with returning back to my unemployed days and also earning much more for my writing than a normal dead end job, but she had to be the stickler and ruin my fun.

Anyways, I went in for the interview just to hear them out and humor her. Turns out they wanted to hire someone who could do web design, which unfortunately wasn't my forte. Then it turns out they also had another vacancy, which is as an admin assistant, which is prolly one of my work strengths since I've been doing office work in most of my line of career. They were really pushing for me to accept their offer, as if they're desperate to have new staff around to fill in their shoes, and since office work shouldn't be too hard, and I DO need the money just in case my freelance writing comes to an end (I hate it when my in-laws make sense when I tried to argue that I already have this job), so I accepted their offer.

There are three levels in this company: the ground floor reserved for ticketing and booking, which is cold as hell since their air-conditioning is cranked up to 11 out of 10, and called the freezer level; the first floor, which consist of tour bookings and visa paperwork, which is where I work (under the admin) and where my hubs' ex-colleague work (under the tour planning), and within our admin office inside, there is the corporate ticketing department where people book high-end tickets for the upper classes, and our doors are always opened, so air-conditioning cools the room up just enough, so we're the sort of sauna level; and finally the second floor where the conference room and the boss' domain is, and apparently strikes fear into a lot of people, and only people with the strong will dare to venture up there and always end up being the ones who has to pass the message to the top unless absolutely necessary for said person to be present face to face, and there the air-conditioning is almost never on, and it gives off the dark and gloomy and toasty feeling since it's all au-naturale, and that will be the furnace level.

My job title is as tour coordinator assistant, but it feels like I'm basically everybody's lackey because they're always giving me something to do, sort of. So far, I'm into my second week of work. It's not too hard, or maybe they're just trying to clue me in and ease me into the job before introducing me into the big leagues, but the best part about this job is I get along with my staff. Apparently there is a whole lotta J-s in this company, me (Judith) with Jocee, Jia Yuan, Jia Wei and Julie, amongst others that were in the admin team. There is one girl who just started in July, and another one who just started at the corporate ticketing section. There is a tour guide named Alli under our admin department as well who specialize in in-bound tours and he was EXACTLY the spitting image of my kismesis when I was working at my old job in Telnet! Even his attitude was EXACTLY similar, it's almost heading towards the uncanny valley! No one seems to like him or his attitude, but I know exactly how to handle him, since I faced it almost everyday back in my old job.

I have officially found my kismesis' doppelganger.

At one point, I was actually being called in as back-up tour guide (which is part of my job scope) during the Asean Pacific Communications Meeting (or something like that), and those VIP minister tend to have last minute requests and we do not have enough man power. I was supposed to do a water village tour for a couple of ministers, including the Minister of Bhutan, which a lot of my colleagues say is not someone to be trifled with, not because he's scary or demanding, but he's a bit of a holy man, and I should expect treading over eggshells with this guy. When I was waiting for him to arrive, the Minister of Tuvalu came along with his wife and assistant and our local liaison officer for the tour and when the Bhutan minister hasn't arrived in a while, I asked the LO to give them a call while I distract the Tuvalu minister with random chitchat. Apparently no one bothered to update the LO about the Bhutan minister already done the water village tour, and the Tuvalu minister jokingly asked if we knew any swear words in Bhutan to scold him. LOL!

It was good clean fun. I had to recall my days doing tour way back when during my Sunshine Borneo Tour days, and I let the LO do her part in filling in the blanks that I (secretly) don't know, but overall, it was a satisfying tour for the minister. When they wanted to do their souvenir shopping, they invited me along, and I got to sit in a BG car!! Dude, you gaiz~! I sat in a BG car~!! A BG car is basically a government-sanctioned minister car for foreign dignitaries who come to visit the country, and I got to go at the FRONT SEAT! Woohoo! Best of all, we had police escorts, so there is no traffic problem, and if there is, one honk from the police escort and everyone will make way, no questions asked! I finally am in the VIP shoes! LOL And on my 3rd day of work too!

I still had to keep up my duties as a tour guide/babysitter and follow them around wherever they needed to go, and gave the Tuvalu minister a hand in souvenir-shopping. He only had one arm (his left), so I had to help him out while at the same time act natural about his missing limb and not offend him by asking stupid questions. The LO tried her luck by pretending that our local minister is the one curious about his arm, but he changed the subject and didn't answer, so I suppose it's a sensitive subject for him. Thankfully I didn't try that, or he would've had me shot. LOL Didn't get any tips though, but at least he treated me to dinner.

Other than this little misadventure, everything else was just the usual showing up in the office and doing paperwork, mostly the occasional visas that need to be made. So far, I was trained to do Taiwan and China visas, though not sure what else do I need to learn about visas in the future, and I've been spending the whole week filling up entry visa and liquor forms for Jia Yuan for an upcoming Rotary Chartered and Golf Tournament from Taiwan. Man, my wrists are killing me!

Hopefully I have a nice and slightly longer employment and more luck with this current job than my previous ones. Here's to hoping!