Sunday, April 8, 2012 | By: BlackGargie

Countdown to Motherhood

(WARNING: May get rather ranty)

It's pretty much official. I'm already down to my 14th week of pregnancy. The morning sickness is finally gone and I can finally eat without worrying that I would go hurling in the bathroom every meal.

During my last checkup I was so worried about Jr's health, coz due to the morning sickness, I have lost a significant amount of weight. And when I say significant, I really mean gargantuanly so. OK, I may be exaggerating but it was a serious worry for me.

My previous weight was 72.5kg when I went for my first ultrasound and when the morning sickness have just started. By my next appointment (which was my last checkup), I've gone from that to 67.kg in less than a month. Even my doctor sounded a little concerned when she saw my significant weight loss.

I told her it was due to my morning sickness and I couldn't keep anything down, and during my first ultrasound, I've already asked her if there is any way to minimize morning sickness, in which she said there is none and I have to bear with it. But when she saw my weight and I told her it was coz of my morning sickness, she went around and said I should've consulted her for nausea medicine! WTF?? You decided to tell me that NOW after my morning sickness was over? SERIOUSLY??

Anyway, I was worried that due to my weight loss, I might have shrunken Jr or something, but an ultrasound put me at ease. Jr is fine, alive and kicking, going really strong. In fact, when the doc tried to get a clearer shot of them by pressing the device a little closer, Jr actually tried to jerk away and avoid the 'camera'! LOL! So cute! X3

Jr is about 5.39cm with a healthy heart rate of 171bpm. Their (I use the plural coz we dunno if its a boy or girl and I don't wanna call Jr 'it') head is about 2.05cm bpd (something to do with per diameter, I dunno what the 'b' stands for), and they already have little stumpy hands and feet and we were able to make out a bit of a face, the eyes were the most obvious. Most likely by the 5th or 6th month, we might be able to see the gender.

Now I can no longer wear those tight elastic pants, coz they still shrink and constrict my stomach, so I have to wear those that totally are laxed and no longer has its elasticity anymore. And though I can finally eat, I can't eat full meals. I can only eat just enough or else I would end up puking all over the place. But the problem of eating just enough was that I would get hungry later really quickly. I guess that's where all those snackings come in, I suppose. I'm already starting to have a belly, but I'm not sure whether it's because of Jr, or because of my fat. I recently weighed myself and have regained a little of my weight, so I'm about 69kg now. So far, it maintained and had yet to change, maybe coz of all that 'just enough' eating.

I'm still surrounded by superstition, like I can't eat pineapples and watermelons and stuff, and recently crabs and squids/octopus were added into the list. I can understand the crab issue, since crabs have the highest concentration of cholesterol and allergenic components which might harm Jr, but I couldn't understand the squid/octopus thing. I heard that it's because it would cause your placenta to stick in you and make it harder to remove or something, and they say that eating crabs would either cause your child to walk like crab or holding things like crab. I think it's more of the health issue, not that stupid superstitious crap.

Renovations was still a no-no, since they say it might cause Jr to be born with holes in his ears, and that made me feel extra guilty since it feels like it's my fault my in-laws' plan for their retirement business selling baby clothes will have to be put on hold because of me. I was not allowed to carry heavy stuff, that's logic enough, but that also means I couldn't carry my baby nephew, when he weighs nothing more than how it feels to carry a couple of files of paperwork. And if I do carry him, I must be sitting down. What's the point of carrying a kid if I have to sit down to do it? And I feel like a china doll as every little movement my nephews and niece make around me had to monitored by everyone to make sure they don't hit or kick the wrong part of me. Good god, I am capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much! Stop treating me like china! DX

Horror movies that might scare the crap outta me was also a no-no, but while I can understand the science behind it (the stress and anxiety of watching horror might cause miscarriages or early labour), every article in the internet and every question I asked my chat friends to ask their seasoned parents all tell me that horror movies are perfectly fine. Are we Asians THAT fragile? Anyway, even though I've limited myself to watching maybe monsters, slashers or sci-fi movies that are SLIGHTLY closest to horror, I still end up having scary dreams. So even though I don't watch horror movies, I'm 'watching' them in my sleep! How is THAT suppose to help?

The latest superstition I was fed was that I can't be a night owl or else the baby will be born inheriting my sleep patterns. And that I should limit my time using computers coz the electromagnetic wave might affect the kid. What kind of logic is that? Does it really even...? I researched online and found no evidence to support this theory. Even pregnancy books say there is no link with computers and baby defects. Even my two sis-in-laws who worked on computers all day have 3 healthy kids each! The last time my mom-in-law told us about that computer crap was that the electromagnetic might interrupt and lower the chances of conception, and look what I have in my womb right now??

Oh sure, anything that goes wrong with the child, please, go ahead and blame the mother. Like the fathers have nothing to do with the child's well-being.

~sigh~

People have been asking me if I am nervous about the birth and the upcoming pain and all that. Pain, I can deal with. I have been dealt with pain all my life. And I have books and the internet to prepare me. If I do it right, childbirth may not be a piece of cake, but it would not be too big of a problem for me.

The biggest problem I'm worried about is whether I might be cut out to be a good mother. From my previous journals, you know what my childhood was like. You know how fucked up my past was. I might not do what my mom has done to me, because I have the scars and the painful memories to remind me of them, but I worry that I might do the exact opposite job.

Would I screw them up? Would I spoil them too much? Would I end up being cold and aloof? Would I even actually love them as much as I hope I could? What if I'm not ready for it? What if I'm not cut out for it? What if I'm not meant to be a mom? What if I got pregnant just to shut those old-timers up? What if I got pregnant just for the sake of pleasing the family and making society happy? What if everything goes wrong and I'm not up to the task and screw it up worst than my mom had ever screwed me over? What then?

You could chalk it up to insecurities or hormones, but these are real questions that has been bothering my mind for now. I'm going to be a mother and there is no turning back.

But what if I'm as much of a mom as I hope to be?

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