Sunday, September 25, 2011 | By: BlackGargie

A Sigh of Relief...Sorta

Finally got down to visiting the doctors last week. It was a pretty nervous trip, with tons of things going through my mind, mostly worse case scenario.

Originally my purpose to see the doctor was I suddenly had a sort of cramp near my pelvic area, and I was worried that it might have something to do with my uterus or something, and I absolutely feared the worst.

The docs gave the usual weight checks, temperature checks and blood pressure checks, and we told her the problem.

Well, the worst case scenario didn't happen.

The cramp was just a muscle cramp towards the pelvic.

The halt of my period was due to hormone imbalance...again.

The doc told me it's as if I'm not producing eggs like I'm supposed to possibly due to the hormones. And because I haven't been having my period for 2 and a half months, she cannot help me determine my exact fertile period.

It's almost like a flaring light hinting to me that I have a probability of infertility.

She gave me some pills for the cramps and the hormones. She claims that the pills are guaranteed to push the period out and asked me to monitor and report the day of my period for the next 3 months so that she can determine when my fertile period is.

So yeah, downing pills like M&M's and keeping my fingers crossed

Royal Incest Tombstone

Not sure if I've already showcase about this, but this is a completed tombstone and mausoleum for Brunei's own royal incest couple, which is a pretty interesting open secret scandal that made bigger in the news after they completed the beautification.

I dunno fully about the backstory, but I did find out about it from the internet, which is right below here, where I got from biG feature:
Sunday, September 11, 2011 | By: BlackGargie

Baby Blues

~sigh~

I wanted to go to the doctors yesterday to check and see if there's any problems with me, but clinics dont open on Sundays.

You see, it's been 3 months since my period came. I've test myself and it's been negative evrytime. I wanted to check at the doctors to get a second opinion, maybe even get a blood test or an ultrasound, but the doctors are closed on Sundays, only open till midday.

My hubby was also worried, and was the one who took me to see them. He told me everything will be alright, and he wont hate me...but I'm worried.

What if the docs say I reli...you know...cant. What if they find out that I'm having premature menopause or something? What would I do?

If I really...cant, then the next option would be either test tube, but if that doesn't work either, possibly adoption.

It's...not that I'm against adopting, but it makes me feel useless that I can't give my hubby his own flesh and blood and I bet my in laws will hate me and make my hubby divorce me to get a healthier woman.

Don't tell me I'm paranoid. I KNOW it will! I KNOW!!

He'll hate me! His parents will hate me!

I KNOW I've inherited my mother's birth curse!

My mom couldn't get pregnant normally and I was created using test tube!

Daughters usually inherit mother's flaws.

Even when I left her...

Even when I left her...

Even when I left her, she still continues to curse me!!

I JUST KNOW IT!!!

I know...I know I'm not like her...

I'm nothing like her...

But in a physical biological sense, I may hv inherited her birth defect, and it's not something you would understand if you never major in science stream.

I know it...I've always loved biology in science, and things like these never escape my sights.

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm just...

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just...really upset...

I'm upset that my mom has cursed me.

I hate her

I hate her

I hate her

I hate her

I hate her

I hate her

I hate her

I hate her

I HATE HER!!!

This baby issue has been discussed over and over again with my hubby. He keeps reassuring me it's OK, and everything will be alright. I know he's right, I know his reassurance but I just can't help feeling bad.

I hear a lot of horror stories about health complications for both mother and child, that the older you are when you're getting pregnant. Meaning the older u r, the higher the risk of pregnancy. Even when you're in you're 30's, also you will have risks and I reli wanna have a child before I'm 29.

I hear from 25-29 are the best time to have first pregnancy. I'm already 27 and still no progress.
My hubby and I had unprotected sex since we started dating, there has to be a point that I might accidentally get knocked up, but somehow I didnt, not even until now when I'm married. What does that tell you?

I try not to stress myself and let nature take its course, but seeing my sis-in-law's kids everyday, and being asked to help babysit, and everyone else, especially the elders, giving me a very expectant look, with those eyes that said "Is she pregnant already?" or them always asking me "So how's baby making going?" They just really pressuring me

Evn my in-laws also popped the question from time to time, saying "We're not getting any younger, you know?"

I can't help feeling weird as to why my hubby would still wanna stick with a troublesome defect like me.

Why did he even choose me in the first place?

I'm not like other girls. My mother hates me, and hates him too. Everything about me is just messed up, fucked up. My weird lifestyle and my fucked up childhood fucked me up really good. I dont even deserve him.

Why did he choose me?

Why did he even love me?

Why me?

.......

I'm sorry...

I just...I just...

I'm just scared that...after so much he had done for me...I couldn't give him wat he wants...which is a child of his own flesh and blood.

.........

Fuck....

All this emotional baggage...

Could it be a by-product of me being pregnant after all...?

I dunno...
Friday, September 9, 2011 | By: BlackGargie

Con te PartirĂ²

I couldn't stop having this internal nightmare about the worst case scenario of what would happen at the ending of the movie.

I don't fucking care how ugly the rest of the human cast turned out to be, and I don't fucking care if I had gotten the drawing of the gun right. I just wanted to get this feeling out of my chest.

But as I drew, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I just started pouring down tears and broke down and cried as I continued drawing this. No, I'm not fucking exaggerating. I am SERIOUSLY crying as I'm typing this. When I finished drawing this, I literally threw down my tablet pen and buried my face in my arms and cried on the table. It's that bad

No art has ever drove me to tears, not even my own. This is the first time an art has ever done this to me. I don't even know why I even drew this in the first place when it caused me so much grief.

I have just committed murder on an artistic level. I don't even know why I drew this. Seriously...

*cries*