Wednesday, July 27, 2011 | By: BlackGargie

The Road Not Taken


It has been done.

I have finally set my foot down and submitted my 2-weeks notice resignation letter to my super telling him that I am quitting due to "a better offer", though technically in reality it's not so.

I'm quitting because I had it with the company. Under-appreciated, drama, bad time and office staff management, bosses who don't give a damn, politics, bad-mouthers and back-stabbers...All this made into a primordial soup of company disaster.

And by the end of this week, I will officially be considered as ex-worker of my company.

But then I began to worry as the thought of job-hunting would plunge me into a life of routine, and my dreams as a manga-ka would be forgone and lost forever.

Which somehow brought me into thinking about the paths that I have chosen.

Even though the fact remains that I couldn't change the past, sometimes thinking back on all the choices that were laid bare that I didn't choose got me curious as to what would have happened if I've taken down a different path.

I chose to: Forgo a possible road to become the youngest writer -- > Go to an all-girls Muslim convent school (well, I didn't really choose it, it was done by the school board, and I was denied a co-ed school) -- > Decide on forgoing Art Stream and picked Science Stream (to please my mother and lighten the burden of expenses of going to a private art college since during those days, government and public art colleges did not exist) -- > Gone on to take A-Levels and choose Economics Stream even though I have no more interest in studying (due to the fact that my Science Stream didn't go so well, I had to choose the next best thing) -- > Choose college over work (due to the fact that the company I worked with didn't want to have female workers for their new position) -- > Choose my hubby and risked everything, even my education, to come to Brunei

Those were the choice I have made. I may have regretted some of them, one being to let go of my friend's offer to have my written novel published when I was 12 back then, and the other being to have not followed my heart and choose Art Stream, but it's something I can no longer change. Not in the long run.

I remembered the fateful day I finally asked my mother who was the one who drew a rather beautiful portrait of a Japanese woman in a wedding kimono, and she told me that it was a wedding gift from a Japanese manga-ka, who, at the time, was pretty prime with a famous manga (totally forgot the name) whom she used to work as an art assistant as (fucking hypocrite, she drew manga but didn't allow ME to follow her footsteps). He liked her very much and tried to woo her, but she was dating my dad at the time and when she announced she was getting married, he became a shut-in for a week before producing that masterpiece to her, and the Japanese woman was supposedly her.

Then I thought plenty:

If she had chosen the Japanese guy, what would have been? There is no say that I couldn't be conceived through him, and my future would've been pretty bright as a manga-ka.

If I had chosen to take my friend's offer to publish my book, what would have been? I would've probably been the youngest writer in Malaysian history to write a supernatural sci-fi story inspired by the works of X-Files.

If I had followed my heart and chosen Art Stream instead of being a people-pleaser and chose Science Stream, what would have been? I could've been in some art college regardless the expenses I am able to squeeze outta my mom, and maybe would be at somewhere doing graphic designs or whatnot. It wouldn't be manga, but it's still art, something that I love to do.

If I had followed my heart and told my mom that I don't want to study anymore, no colleges, no A-Levels, no nothing, what would've been? I may prolly be some working class citizen, but then I could do whatever I want, even brush up on my manga

If I...

~sigh~

I may come up with a lot of "If I"-s, but the fact still remained.

If I had chosen all that, I would still be my mother's prisoner.

I would never had met my current friends, I would not have met my BFF, and I would not have met my hubby, and I definitely would not have been able to get where I am, which is a happy life, a loving husband and free from the hell-hole life as a survivor of domestic abuse.

Like my BFF once quoted to me from a guy he read up on:
Whatever you are doing in the present defines your future
I've got still a long road ahead. I can still work my way to my dreams from here.

Still, it's just a curiosity. No biggie.

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