Friday, January 7, 2011 | By: BlackGargie

New Year Deep Thought

Was really pissed off last night after work because apparently I was required to finish a whole load of work by today (which bloody fucking impossible, btw) courtesy by demand of our oh-so-important client who is so bloody fucking demanding like shit.

But at least now apparently I can slow down just a liiiiiiiiitle bit because it turns out that our client has yet to fulfill their end of the bargain, so unless they do so, we won't really deliver. Well, it doesn't mean I won't do it. I still will, but like I said, we won't deliver...most of them.

My hubby decided to appease me by allowing me to indulge in whatever I want to eat, and since we were in Gadong, I requested to eat sushi, so we went to Excapade. I let it all out, venting about how crappy my job is right now and how everyone is giving me flack, especially the clients. It's not that I don't like my job. When it's not in peak season, it's actually quite relaxing and a little boring, but when it's peak season, it's busy like hell. It's just that sometimes things happen that really make me hate my job a lot. Good thing I'm a professional and have patience to the point of inhuman, more or less, or I would've yelled up and down and vented right there and then in the office.

Then while I was eating and chatting and thinking about how time has passed me by so much, I started to wonder the very thing that often linger in my mind, aside from the curious thought of how my mom was doing: How are my extended family back in Taiwan? Do they know what's going on? Have they found out already about my leaving my mom? Or my mom continues to maintain her face value and puts up a front by continuing to return to Taiwan like usual but give excuses as to why I'm not with her on each trip?

If they knew of my leaving my mom, then there is a no-brainer that I have become the black sheep of the family. I am probably officially nobody's boone. Especially to my grandma and my youngest aunt and uncle and my little cousin. They are probably the only relative from my mom's side that I truly ever loved, even though they've become a radical religious Nazi ever since they became born-again Christians. I pity my little cousin. I try to raise her as a normal girl whenever I can, but at home, it was her parents' rules and I cannot contend with that. I mean, it's cool to be passionate about your faith and all, but a little too much is not so good, don't cha think? I mean, seriously, to the point where you filter and censor your child's reading materials and TV? Man, that's not the kind of life I'd want my kid to live in.

Well, if they have known, most likely they'll see me as a uber sinner or something and not fit for Heaven's door and call me a blasphemer or something.

I am tempted, from time to time, to get a chance to go back Taiwan to see them, but unfortunately, I'd probably have to risk A) having the door being slammed at my face B) getting scolded like hell then have the door slammed at my face and/or C) worse, having my mom to just so happen to be there when I go and visit. That would be just awk-weird.

The only contact I have is my grandma's number, and I can't exactly call or contact my other cousins since they're also halfway across the world or that I don't even know where they live in Taiwan. The only known address I probably have that might not really involve having to step into the house to have the door slammed at my face would be the church where my youngest aunt and her family goes to, but that would probably be risky too because either I get kicked out of the church doorsteps for being unworthy of being there because of my no-honour-to-my-mother commandment or they will see me but ignore me and/or give me the cold shoulder for what I've done and/or worse, my mom just so happen to be there.

It's her turf after all. I'm only half-Taiwanese.

Maybe one of these days, I may get the chance or be brave enough to actually venture out to Taiwan to see how things are going and, if they have known, try to explain and tell them my side of the story or, if they don't know, tell them anyway.

Let's just hope...