Tuesday, October 12, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

How To Write A Trashy Romance Novel

I just read this article written by this person, and it's total hilarity that I have to share it with you guys! XD

How To Write A Trashy Romance Novel

by Lady Scarlett Covington and Curtis, Duke of Malone

There are over 3 billion vaginas in the world, and attached to every one of them is someone who will buy and read absolutely anything with a shirtless Fabio look-alike embossed on the cover.

Shocked? You shouldn't be, it's a documented fact*. And you - yes you, sitting on the couch in ratty Spiderman underwear and covered with Twinkie crumbs - could be making a fortune off that fact. How? By writing your own romance novel! It's so easy a brain dead moron could do it, and if a brain dead moron can do it, so can you!

That's why we here at "Thing You Didn't Know You Needed Inc." (tm) are proud to bring you the most brilliant literary collaboration since those transvestite hacks Gilbert and Sullivan hoarked up "The Mikado" during a 5-day absinthe binge in a Dutch bordello**. Ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies), we present the ultimate guide to literary success, your ticket to personal fame and fortune: The Covington- Malone 9 Step Guide To Romance Novelling.

Step 1: The Cover Picture

You only have a few seconds to grab your potential readers attention, so a good cover is absolutely vital. That's why finding the perfect one is your first concern, long before tiresome details like style, plot, or character development. Remember, your potential buyer may hunger for romance the way hillbillies hunger for lobster, but the bookrack in the Piggly Wiggly is crammed full of other romance novels. You need to make them choose yours.

The perfect cover picture needs to show a magnificently muscular man and a fantastically buxom woman. (Unless you're going for an alternative market. We don't judge.). An essential piece of clothing should be inexplicably absent on at least one of them. The mans pants, if he wears them, should be of the breech variety, tight enough to show his sex but not quite so tight as to show his religion***. Shirts should be both flowing and frilled, with no apparent form of fastening. The woman's dress, if she wears one, must be in imminent danger of leaping entirely off her torso at any second, exposing enormous heaving bosoms that have received no artificial enhancements. (Or so she says, the plastic bitch). The horse and castle in the background may remain unclothed.

Step 2: The Title

The title of any good romance novel needs to be stamped out in a beautiful cursive typeface, as sinuous and flowing as the silken tresses of your heroine. Preferably in the gaudiest metallic ink obtainable. This type of font is, of course, almost completely illegible, virtually guaranteeing that potential buyers will pick your book up in order to try and puzzle out the titles mysterious (but no doubt spicy!) meaning.

The actual words of the title must include some combination of the following:

Passion
Lovers
Aflame
Embrace
Destiny
Hero
Trousers
Nights
Dreams
Bodice
Midnight, and of course
The.

When these choice words are assembled you can come up with an almost limitless number of exciting titles, such as: "Passionate Embrace." Using just the base words "Passion" and "Embrace" you have instantly alerted the horny potential reader that your books' characters share 'Passionate Embraces' a-plenty! Other examples include "Bodice Dreams", "A Hero's Night's" and "Trousers Aflame", all of which have their own varying degrees of cheesy allure when proudly embossed on the cover. Take the time to find the one that's right for you.

Step 3: The Characters

There are two standard requirements you must meet when creating characters with the Covington-Malone system. The first is that you must give your characters exotic and exciting names. Do not underestimate the vital importance of this! Outrageous names such as Lady Scarlett Covington of Witltonshiresouthhamptonburrough for the woman, and Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides for the man, are completely appropriate. When actually used, all names must be said in full, as seen here:

"Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides, you will never triumph over me! My virtue is whiter than the cloth of the Lord!"

"Ah, but I swear my saucy wench Lady Scarlett Covington of Witltonshiresouthhamptonburrough, you will be in my bed tonight, or my name isn't Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides!"

See how the names are used repeatedly? This is crucial, as the average readers are frequently too lusty to remember which characters are speaking, or moaning, respectively. Other excellent, though far fetched, names to be used are: Mistress Trae O'Hara of Atlanta-by-the-sea, Sensei Fellipe Chi-Chi of the house of his father the most honorable Kang, Lady Daggsrina Steanova, Princess of Russia and of course mad King Geoffrey of the Land of Hargraveington.

The second requirement, of course, is that the man must be highly experienced in the manners of lovemaking and the woman a hapless virgin. There is no excuse for forgetting this; in a true romance novel, all women are naives and all men are rakes. They must meet by chance; she is perhaps a servant in the master's home, or she wishes revenge on him for a wrong done to her family. He, on the other hand, must be instantly taken by the fiery beauty that she seems unaware of.

All these musts are a must.

Step 4: The Setting

Setting is crucial to a good romance novel. While it is possible to set a novel in the pedestrian backwaters of Hicksville USA ("Bridges of Madison County", who knew?), it is not at all advisable.

For example, take a look at these two paragraphs:

"Passion raced across the mist drenched moor, her breath like glass in her throat. The hoof beats, ever present, were drawing closer."

Really grabs you, doesn't it? Compare that to:

"Passion ran past the corner Starbucks, the smog making her wheeze like an asthmatic maraca. The Number 7 cross-town bus, never very reliable, was leaving early."

Just doesn't have the same kick, now does it.

The key to a good romance novel setting is that it must be exotic. The great romantic cities of the world - Manhattan, Paris, Rome, Mississauga - are all excellent choices. The scenery is exciting, the culture strange, and the people beautiful. Well, except the commoners and servants, they can be repulsive butter gnomes, its not really important. If your novel is set in modern times, Hollywood is a particularly good setting for steamy adventures and devious weaselry, and the added bonus of potential movie rights is not to be ignored*! If you are writing a period piece, strange historical locales like the pirate infested Caribbean**, darkest Africa, decadent Imperial Rome, or the hollow center of the Earth *** are also highly suitable

Without question however, the best location for a romance novel is the United Kingdom. England Ireland Scotland and Wales have been the setting for more romance novels than there are fat girls at a Hugh Grant movie. You can't throw a stone**** in any of those countries without bonking a castle, manor or moor where a romance novel has been, will be, or should be set. From the heather of the high lands to the peaty bogs of the low, from the sailing ships at Portsmouth to the racing stallions at the Downs, the UK has it all.

As an added bonus, if you set your novel in England, you don't need to learn even a single word in a foreign language. Perfect for American authors!

Step 5: The Story.

Much like a porno, the story's main function is to get the characters into hot, steamy out-of-focus romping sessions. It probably contains something about shipwrecks, and revenge, and possibly an ancient gypsy curse of some sort. You can just fill in those details later. The important thing is that the hero and heroine know they can never be together, so they just talk a lot in the beginning. There are yearnings and sexual tensions a-plenty. Then an unforeseen circumstance, such as a shipwreck, or revenge, or an ancient gypsy curse of some sort, throws the two of them into a passionate embrace that they are helpless to resist.

At this point the naive virgin suddenly becomes a ravening wildcat in the sack with virtually no urging from her surprised male partner. The characters then get it on over and over and over again in various settings, until they are rescued, or get their revenge, or have an old gypsy woman lift the curse.

Then they live happily ever after (until Step 8).

Step 6: Dialogue

Much like the plot, the only significant dialogue in a romance novel leads into, involves, or follows hot, steamy out-of-focus romping sessions. This is why dialogue in a romance novel should be very suggestive, using lots of adjectives. With written porno, errrr, that is, romance novels, you must be able to clearly paint that steamy action in the reader's mind. This will then enable them to re-enact the action later with their significant other*****.

"What? You think I would be so bold as to serve you breakfast completely in the nude, Lord St. Bride of the London St. Brides?" the buxom Yvette asked coyly. "Never! I always wear my tiny leather skirt, though it barely conceals the moist grotto of my womanhood..."

(Note that the dialogue, while concealing nothing, must nonetheless avoid the use of actual obscenities. This allows librarians, nuns, Farscape fans and other dedicated virgins to convince themselves they are buying literature and not twittling material.)

"My loins burn with my lust for you, my lord" cried Passion hotly, "Quench me! Quench me as I long to be quenched!"******

"Oh you'll take it, Duchess Sophia. You'll take all of me!" growled Curtis, Duke of Malone as he plunged his turgid pleasure rod deeply into the secret cavern of her womanly delight.

Also note that you can't go wrong with a good metaphor or two; they help the reader picture the scene in much greater detail. Take the following quote:

" Explore me like an uncharted continent, my magnificent Magellan of desire!" she husked.

From these few simple words the reader can instantly deduce that She is a virgin (as always), they are in a nautical setting of some sort, and the man is a seasoned sailor, preferably a Captain or Admiral. Also, that he is named Magellan. An entire novel can be built around one good sentence like that. Why, add a ship, some pirates, stolen cargo, the South Pacific, and a busty stowaway heiress, and it practically writes itself*******.

There are still more actually but they haven't written it yet, so if you wanna read more or figure out what the heck are those asterisks for, go to their profile.

2 comments:

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Anonymous said...

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