Wednesday, September 8, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

Life Without My Mom

It's been almost 3, coming 4, years since I lived the almost perfect life in Brunei with my hubby whom I'm gonna officially have the wedding ceremony this November.

Thinking back, it has been a rough time.

The non-stop arguments, the senseless beatings, the constant feeling of fear and self-worth, or there lack of.

The nightmares of being with my abusive mom had long since became a bad memory that I dwell with it only occasionally whenever the situation seems to jump upon it.

I have a better mom now, a mom-in-law who puts up with my flaws and tries to improve me without having to breathe down your neck and yelling at your ear to get your act together. A mom who would cater to your every needs when she can possibly provide. The sweet mom that spoils you rotten and can joke with you and take a hint.

She's the mom everyone wants.

Looking back now, I surprise even myself for getting this far.

I mean, if it were anyone else who had experienced this, they would've been a very broken person who would've ended up as an outcast or having a criminal record, or they would've snapped and murdered my mom from all the pressure.

Anyone would've broke.

But I pulled through.

I managed to stay sane and hold out to the only hope that I will get out of this alive.

I'm not saying being broken or snapping and wanting to murder my mom didn't cross my mind, but the aftereffects and the consequences that I have seen time and time again happening even in the movies often made me think twice.

After all, a very tiny part of me was God-fearing and believe she was still my mom no matter how badly she treated me (though I still don't like people reminding me that because they wouldn't have understood what I have truly been through). I may not love her, but I don't hate her that much enough to kill her.

The only thing that crosses my mind now and then was the thought of whether how she was doing without me.

Is she regretting all the things that she had done to me and realized how much she actually needed me, or is she, as she claims, living a better life that she said she deserved if she didn't have me?

Sometimes she would say she cannot imagine life without me because she was getting in the age. But most of the time, she would say I was a burden and if it weren't for me, she would've done so and so or wouldn't have to put up with so and so.

My in-law (and even my godmother) still would bring it up from time to time, asking if I have managed to contact my mom and let her know about my wedding ceremony. I told them no and ended the conversation at that. They always say just let her know at least and that she was still my mom, yada yada, but they will never understand what I've been through unless they've experienced it themselves. If they were in my shoes, I doubt they would say the same thing again.

Besides, even if I patched things up and invite her to the wedding, can you imagine the consequences of my mom and my dad being in the same place and sharing the same time and space?

I don't even want to know.

...

...Is it wrong for me to think that probably I will only hear about her when she was dead?

I dunno.

I don't really care either way. Don't judge me. That's how I feel.

I can never really hate her, but there is no room for love anymore.

And that's just how it is.

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