Wednesday, July 21, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

Love is Blind...?

My hubby and I have been together for 5 years, coming 6, and on November the 13th, we will officially have our romantical church wedding.

There has always been this thought bugging me for a while now.

No, I'm not having cold feet or anything, but I am nervous about the upcoming ceremony and we're slightly behind schedule, but that's not what's bugging me.

What was bugging me was that...What exactly does he see in me?

What made him so attracted to me?

Well, there is no brainer that the main thing that attracted me to him was the fact that he was such a gentleman and trying so hard to please me and court me even though I never encouraged him to do so, and the fact that he went all the way to rescue me from my hellish abusive life with my mom.

But what does he see in me?

I definitely am not exactly the Goddess of Venus or an angel's heart in a devil's body or whatever, and I sure as hell not the prettiest flower in the bushel. Hell, during our courting relationship, I have done nothing but being a good friend to my hubby and technically started off not romantically attracted and done nothing to encourage him.

I didn't give him a life-changing experience or did anything worth mentioning that would need him to go all out on me. I've got bad habits I wish I never had and I am terrible as a housewife, and he knew that too, by the way I tend to pile two-weeks worth of laundry and only do it when I run out of clothes to wear, and the way I leave things lying around everywhere and don't change the bedsheets or don't bother to sweep up unless my mom is here to visit (who does?).

I'm probably a fat-ass who looks geeky in glasses and without my contacts, not exactly the brightest bulb in the room, a friggin' butt end of the joke and a class-clown and everyone thinks I'm weird because they would be overwhelmed with me being...me. I'm surprised I didn't scare him off with my crazy-ass antics during the courting relationship.

I'm a bloody Plain Jane with tons of flaws and, if I allow my self-esteem to go any lower, I am not special.

I hide my scars and bruises from everyone after a long "session" with my mom and I fake a smile to prove to the world that everything is a-OK and nothing is wrong with my personal life behind the scenes because I know they can't do anything to help me if I tried. I hide behind my wacky exterior and crazy antics to be strong and pretend the tears didn't exist.

I am a fucking pretender who couldn't face the reality of the fact that something was very wrong with my life, and with me.

I was raised to believe I have no self-worth, and hanging around with my mother's boyfriend and sugar-daddies, drinking and partying with them like a common escort proves it even more (though of course, I never sleep with them, thank God).

I suffer the pain and became the bad guy so that my mom will not know that I am dating my hubby secretly and turned to my hubby with a smiling face and tell him everything's alright and everything will work out just fine, even though he knew it wasn't.

I'm a liar.

I'm a pretender.

I'm a broken marionette.

I'm not a good girl.

So what does he see in me that made him love me so and make me worth so much to him?

I just don't get it...

But I guess after what he had said in the MPC about what it was that attracted him so much to me, I guess that...probably answers partial of my question.

And it's enough for me...

For now.

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