Thursday, July 29, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

Girls...Ain't So Bad After All

I have never been very good at getting along with girls.

I was born a bit of a tomboy, and have always been hanging around with the boys or trying to get better tomboys than I am to teach me how to understand boys more, and throughout my years of growing up, I have never really had many girl friends, save a few who were really, really close to me.

Even as I entered an all-girls' convent school, it was no different. I had a lot of friends, but very few best friends, and even less girl friends that really understood me and were really that close to me. Had a few close calls of getting girlfriends, as in romantically speaking, and almost fell into the lesbian trap myself, but other than that, many friends but very few close ones.

Being in A-Levels was no different. I end up with more boys than girls (this is also how I met my ex-crushes and my ex-boyfriends). Very rarely girls hook up with me, and the only time I actually was on the phone the longest time with a girl was because due to the fact that I wasn't allowed late at night, I had to finish our entire assignment via phone conversation. That's it.

Girls tend to shy away from me most of the time. I'm not like other girls. I don't really walk the walk or talk the talk most of the time, and I usually don't like things typical girls usually like. I do like certain things most girls like, but not all. I'm a bit of an individualist, sort of, and plenty people find me weird that way.

I got the gist of it and accept the fact that not everyone is that understanding of me. Like they say "Those who don't matter, minds; those who don't mind, matters".

Uni is also same old, same old. Boy friends more than girls. Prefer to be on my own unless there is to be a group assignment, and somehow I tend to end up having all boys for teammates. Girls (other than a minor few) tend to shy away from me as usual because of them thinking me as "weird" by their standards.

My best friend's ex-girlfriend he got from uni was the worse thing. She was like an Asian version of a typical shallow dumb blonde who is probably the epitome of little girls-next-door with brawns but no brains. My best friend had to slave away to meet her every whim and fancy, and I personally witness him suffer for her sins. I've always knew she was bad news, but I couldn't be in a position to question my best friend's choice, and that I prefer he saw his own mistakes.

I couldn't get along with her at all. Absolutely not. Her brain doesn't have the capacity to understand the simplest of things and you need to explain it over and over again before it actually sinks in her brain. She needs help even over the simplest matters and never really appreciates it, taking things for granted. I remember watching my best friend struggled night and day to finish both her assignments and his own and spent countless sleepless nights so that she could pass her schooling while he almost became a drop-out. It got to the point where I had to volunteer to help him with the work so that he could catch some shut-eye, and the poor guy got screwed over for my so-called "bad job" when in all honesty, she did a worser job and I cleaned up the mess for her.

The one thing I find rather funny and amazing was that she actually is jealous of me being very close to my best friend, when in fact she already knew all along that I was dating my hubby. Me? Considered a love rival and a threat? Come on! I've known my best friend for more semesters than you knew him in days, and he had been through thick and thin with me and had been like a surrogate big brother to me. There is no way I could fall for him, especially when I'm already head over heels with my hubby. Me? A threat? A rival? Come on!

I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the relationship between them was over, and when I heard he was engaged to another girl, I begin to wonder whether or not is she the right one, especially after that experience with the ex.

Turns out she's pretty nice.

She may be a bit on the typical girl side, but at least she knew how to have fun, and we share quite a few things in common and seemed to be at ease chatting with each other. With the ex, I couldn't figure out what to chat with her because we have totally NOTHING in common and her dumb blonde logic is just not logic to mine.

But she was cool. She was at ease as well, and after our conversation, my best friend said I was happy-go-lucky and not stuck up or anything, and that she enjoyed my company. And I enjoyed her company too and was glad that I didn't scare her off with me

So I guess having girl pals is...not so bad after all
Tuesday, July 27, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

Another Step Towards the Wedding Bells-Conclusion

Ah, finally~! The Marriage Preparation Course has been completed~!

It was an interesting class last Sunday where we learn how to plan our family the natural way (NFP: Natural Family Planning) coz of course, they're pro-life and using contraceptives are bad because that would mean you are preventing from creating life and therefore not open to life, subsequently not pro-life. Apparently, pulling out the moment the guy is about to orgasm is also considered contraceptive and is not encouraged. Meh~! Who cares? We're doing it behind closed doors, which is none of your business anyways.

We were taught to learn to detect fertile and infertile periods using BOM (Billings Ovulation Methods) by observing the discharge everyday of the woman and the man jotting it down in the chart, and once they figured out a steady pattern after 3-6 months of observing, you will then know when is the fertile or infertile period by heart, in which then the man can orgasm safely inside the woman without having to worry about knocking her up, or something like that.

The rest of the talk was the usual "Marriage is God's plan" talk and also the documents and formalities in what you're suppose to prepare and what you are to do or do not do during the wedding ceremony and who to look for to cater all the events needs and such. Standard procedure.

We did ask questions about our thoughts and doubts during the discussion session, and some of the answers they gave were...less than satisfying. Like when we asked if the couple is really infertile medically-speaking but really desires a child, would it be acceptable to search for medical needs to get pregnant, and the facilitators said don't mess with your body and let nature take its course. If you are meant to not have children, then you're not meant to according to God's plan. Using medical or scientific means to create a child is no longer natural and no longer God's way. Which brings me to the question of my own conception, in which I was born via artifical insemination because my mother couldn't conceive normally. So does that mean I'm an abomination to God?

Another question I asked about the topic on marriage being God's plan and all that. I asked them for arranged marriages and stuff. What if God's plan was for you to marry someone else and you end up marrying the wrong person? And all they could answer me was "Well, you're just going to have to bear with it and work out your differences and learn to accept each other", which was a stupid answer and not exactly resolving my question. I mean, who are we to say what God's plans are? What if the person you marry is actually, really, truly not what God intended you to be with?

What if God's plan was really for you to go with someone else but you end up being with the wrong person and in a situation where you can't divorce? How are you gonna answer that? What if you guys cannot get over your differences after exhausting every ounce of counselling and stuff and the only, only, ONLY real solution for it was to separate/divorce? Are you saying just because of your close-minded man-made laws on Catholics not allowed to divorce, you are putting someone in misery and in a marriage she/he never wanted to be in the first place and ignore the possibility that God might actually WANT you to leave your spouse to be with the one you truly deserve? That's ridiculous, right?

My hubby reprimanded me on that issue, saying that the facilitators have no liberty to answer my question and should be directed to the priest himself for that, and also asking that question is indicating we're having a problem in our relationship. But then again, how would a priest know if he himself is celibate and never married and actually experience firsthand a bad marriage?

Anywho, the course was over and done with, and we got the cert and everything. Now it's time to move on with our other plans, most importantly the pre-wedding photos~!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

Love is Blind...?

My hubby and I have been together for 5 years, coming 6, and on November the 13th, we will officially have our romantical church wedding.

There has always been this thought bugging me for a while now.

No, I'm not having cold feet or anything, but I am nervous about the upcoming ceremony and we're slightly behind schedule, but that's not what's bugging me.

What was bugging me was that...What exactly does he see in me?

What made him so attracted to me?

Well, there is no brainer that the main thing that attracted me to him was the fact that he was such a gentleman and trying so hard to please me and court me even though I never encouraged him to do so, and the fact that he went all the way to rescue me from my hellish abusive life with my mom.

But what does he see in me?

I definitely am not exactly the Goddess of Venus or an angel's heart in a devil's body or whatever, and I sure as hell not the prettiest flower in the bushel. Hell, during our courting relationship, I have done nothing but being a good friend to my hubby and technically started off not romantically attracted and done nothing to encourage him.

I didn't give him a life-changing experience or did anything worth mentioning that would need him to go all out on me. I've got bad habits I wish I never had and I am terrible as a housewife, and he knew that too, by the way I tend to pile two-weeks worth of laundry and only do it when I run out of clothes to wear, and the way I leave things lying around everywhere and don't change the bedsheets or don't bother to sweep up unless my mom is here to visit (who does?).

I'm probably a fat-ass who looks geeky in glasses and without my contacts, not exactly the brightest bulb in the room, a friggin' butt end of the joke and a class-clown and everyone thinks I'm weird because they would be overwhelmed with me I'm surprised I didn't scare him off with my crazy-ass antics during the courting relationship.

I'm a bloody Plain Jane with tons of flaws and, if I allow my self-esteem to go any lower, I am not special.

I hide my scars and bruises from everyone after a long "session" with my mom and I fake a smile to prove to the world that everything is a-OK and nothing is wrong with my personal life behind the scenes because I know they can't do anything to help me if I tried. I hide behind my wacky exterior and crazy antics to be strong and pretend the tears didn't exist.

I am a fucking pretender who couldn't face the reality of the fact that something was very wrong with my life, and with me.

I was raised to believe I have no self-worth, and hanging around with my mother's boyfriend and sugar-daddies, drinking and partying with them like a common escort proves it even more (though of course, I never sleep with them, thank God).

I suffer the pain and became the bad guy so that my mom will not know that I am dating my hubby secretly and turned to my hubby with a smiling face and tell him everything's alright and everything will work out just fine, even though he knew it wasn't.

I'm a liar.

I'm a pretender.

I'm a broken marionette.

I'm not a good girl.

So what does he see in me that made him love me so and make me worth so much to him?

I just don't get it...

But I guess after what he had said in the MPC about what it was that attracted him so much to me, I guess that...probably answers partial of my question.

And it's enough for me...

For now.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

Another Step Towards the Wedding Bells

Last Sunday I went to attend the Marriage Preparation Course. It's something of a compulsory for all Catholic couples (my hubby is Catholic) to be able to be eligible to get married in church, so I had to attend as well.

The process of applying for the class was a little...unnerving at best. For starters, we were given all the fear factors of how both of us must be baptized and confirmed or else neither one of us will be eligible to attend the class. I was fretting about it because I was baptized all the way in Taiwan in my maternal aunt's church, and there is no chance in hell that I'll able to get it from there, especially with me breaking all ties with my mom, subsequently my mom's entire side of the family. But then later on, when we went to get the application form and the Father realized that I am not Catholic, we're considered as a mixed marriage and I am no longer obligated by compulsory to hand in my baptism and confirmation cert. LOL! Thank God for that.

On the day of the class, when we reached there, we were totally clueless because we have no friggin' idea of the geographical structure of the church and have no idea where the class will be. All the halls were full, but they weren't full for the class, no doubt about that. At least there was someone (I think it was one of the ushers for the mass) approached us and directed us to the right place where we will have our class. It was a little awkward at first, because our MPC coincides with the baptism ceremony, so there were a number of mothers and families bringing in their little babies to be baptised. But thankfully, after they left, the other couples for the MPC started showing up.

All in all, there were supposedly 6 couples, including us, but one of the couples sorta didn't show up, and they didn't register our name in the list even though we've already sent in our application, but since we're here, might as well just jot the name down. I met the Sister who handled our paperwork when I went for a bathroom break and she claims to have handed it in, but since we're already there attending the class, we just let it slide by and go with the flow. Out of those other couples, 2 of them were Filipino couples (one of the couples was pretty noticable that the bride is older than the groom), 1 was purely Chinese couple and the other was 1 and a half Chinese couple (the bride is a Sino-Kadazan, since she was from KK, my hometown, where Kadazan and Sino-s are abundant).

We started off with an intro of each other, stating our name, how we met and what is it that attracts us to each other. I noticed that many people have known each other for quite a short time actually, about roughly 3-4 years. We were the runner up coz we've known each other for 5-6 years, while the 1 and a half Chinese couple was the first coz they've known each other for 10 years!!! Wow, that is a really long-standing relationship from high school till now! I'm surprised it lasted that long.

When it came to asking what attracted us to each other, I was looking forward to my hubby's answer on that because technically, I didn't really do much. I never really put any effort to encourage the relationship or anything, and I don't think I did anything special or let on to him any signs to say that I've done something special to worth his love. His answer was that it was the little things that attracted me to him: the way I talk, the way I behave, the way I interacted with him, the moments we had together, the little surprises and quirks I display before him. I guess every little thing counts, I suppose. All the little things accumulate to the reason for his heart to bloom for me. I think it's...sweet. ^_^

In a nutshell, the classes were a-OK. The first talk was alright, though the speaker needed a little work on presenting it verbally. Though there have been one part of the talk that really irked me is when they read one of the scriptures to illustrate and define marriage is that God had created man and woman and are destined for them to be together to multiply and subdue the earth, and the speaker emphasize that God did not create man and man or woman and woman together, and I fought the urge to glare at him because it's because of this closed-minded thinking that none of those poor creatures are able to find true love, especially when some of them were born that way, which means God created them as well. I was this close into called them "fucking homophobes", but since I'm in a church--a Catholic church, no doubt--I had to keep my trap shut.

The second talk, plus a educational video, was really an eye-closer. Seriously, not an eye-opener. It's an eye-closer, literally. I couldn't barely even keep awake while watching the educational video, and much worse when the second talk came in and I literally fell into dream state a few times throughout the talk. It was just a long droning on and on and I actually drooped and fell asleep halfway through the second talk. It was probably the grace of coffee grande that saved me from falling any further into slumberland. LOL~! XD

The remaining end of the talk was OK, done by a guest speaker whom the MC said is the rolemodel of a perfect Christian family. So yeah, that one was cool. One interesting thing I observed was that everytime they need to pray, they have to do the crucifix sign with their hands and end it that way as well, when for me, as a Protestant, we didn't have to do that, just lowering my head and close my eyes in prayer was enough. He he. Well, to each their own, I suppose.

All in all, it was a more or less interesting day for us, despite the boring setback. Got to know a few new friends, especially when some of the couples are from my hometown KK. Surprisingly we were all scheduled to get married on November (us on 13th Nov, two other couples on the 27th). There will be another class this Sunday, where they will teach us the Natural Family Planning of the Christian way, so yeah, hopefully it will be much more interesting than the last class.


The things you have to do to get a decent romantic all-girls'-dream church wedding...
Monday, July 19, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

ENFP-That's Me!

I took a sort of personality test recommended from my friend because he said it's soooooooooo accurate, and I got the ENFP type. Here's the elaboration of my type, which is, surprisingly, pretty accurate.

Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.

Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.

Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.

Joan Baez, Phil Donahue, Paul Robeson, Bill Moyer, Elizibeth Cady Stanton, Joeseph Campbell, Edith Wharton, Sargent Shriver, Charles Dickens, and Upton Sinclair are examples of Idealist Champions

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Marina Margaret Heiss
Profile: ENFP
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 25 Feb 2005


[The following comes partially from the archetype, but mostly from my own dealings with ENFPs.]

General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on bo th an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (l ots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their neglecting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world.

Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Followthrough tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack.

ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.


Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Joe Butt

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most
soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

Functional Analysis:

Extraverted iNtuition
The physical world, both geos and kosmos, is the ENFP's primary source of information. Rather than sensing things as they are, dominant intuition is sensitive to things as they might be. These extraverted intuitives are most adept with patterns and connections. Their natural inclination is toward relationships, especially among people or living things. Intuition leans heavily on feeling for meaning and focus. Its best patterns reflect the interesting points of people, giving rise to caricatures of manner, speech and expression.

Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary feeling is nonverbally implied more often than it is openly expressed. When expressed, this logic has an aura of romance and purity that may seem out of place in this flawed, imperfect world. In its own defense, feeling judgement frequently and fleetly gives way to humor. ENFPs who publicize their feelings too often may put off
some of the crowd of friends they naturally attract.

Extraverted Thinking
Thinking, the process which runs to impersonal conclusions, holds the extraverted tertiary position. Used on an occasional basis, ENFPs may benefit greatly from this ability. Less mature and lacking the polish of higher order functions, Thinking is not well suited to be used as a prominent function. As with other FP types, the ENFP unwary of Thinking's limitations may find themselves most positively mistaken.

Introverted Sensing
Sensing, the least discernible ENFP function, resides in the inner world where reality is reduced to symbols and icons--ideas representing essences of external realities. Under the influence of the ever-present intuition, the ENFP's sensory perceptions are in danger of being replaced by hypothetical data consistent with pattern and paradigm. When it is protected and nourished, introverted sensing provides information about the fixed. From such firm anchoring ENFPs are best equipped to launch into thousands of plausibilities and curiosities yet to be imagined.

Perhaps the combination of introverted Feeling and childlike introverted Sensing is responsible for the silent pull of ENFPs to the wishes of parents, authority figures and friends. Or perhaps it's the predominance of indecisive intuition in combination with the ambiguity of secondary Fi and tertiary Te that induces these kind souls to capitulate even life-affecting decisions. Whatever the dynamic, ENFPs are strongly influenced by the opinions of their friends.

Famous ENFPs:
Franz Joseph Haydn
Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)
Will Rogers
Buster Keaton
Theodor "Dr." Seuss
Geisel (The Cat in the Hat)
Mickey Rooney
James Dobson ("Focus on the Family")
Andy Rooney
Carol Burnett
Paul Harvey
Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched)
Bill Cosby (Ghost Dad)
Dom Delouise, actor
Dave Thomas, owner of Wendy's hamburger chain
Lewis Grizzard, newspaper columnist
I. King Jordan, past president of Gallaudet University
Martin Short, actor-comedian
Meg Ryan, actor (When Harry Met Sally)
Robin Williams, actor, comedian (Dead Poet's Society, Mrs. Doubtfire)
Sandra Bullock, actor (Speed, While You Were Sleeping)
Robert Downey Jr.(Ironman)
Alicia Silverstone (Clueless)
Andy Kaufman
Regis Philbin
Will Smith

Dr. Doug Ross (ER)
Balkie (Perfect
Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
Steve Irkle

Social Service
Fitness & Nutrition
Recreation Specialist
Social Work

Acting and Performances
Film Producer

Public Relations Specialist
Fashion Merchandising

Famous people of your particular type
Mark Twain, Bill Cosby, Oprah Winfrey, Betty Friedan