Friday, March 12, 2010 | By: BlackGargie

Deep Thoughts...

I was having lunch with my friend after a long hike, and while we were talking, it touched on the subject of religion.

The reason why it came to that was because the night before, my fiance's father asked me to try and bring my fiance back to church (since we would go there anyway if we were to do that official white wedding), and give him something to believe in. I didn't agree or disagree, just kept quiet and smiled politely, and I never said yes or no.

The thing is...well, I wouldn't say entirely that I have lost faith or don't believe anymore. I mean, I believe in miracles and stuff, and I believe that there is something or someone of higher power at work to keep this world in balance, but after what I've been through, they don't really give me much reason to put my entire faith onto it. Some, but not all.

You can say that I am a born-again Christian, baptized in my youngest auntie's church in Taiwan after being slightly devout during my days in church-going when I was in A-Levels all the way till I went to uni. I was baptized along with my mother in front of thousands of people and the pastor and in front of God, and in front of God, we promised to be a better person, to try and work our ways to His good graces.

But throughout the years of being a born-again Christian, it feels like I seem to be the one making the effort. Well, OK, I admit I had played hookie a few times and skipped church, but all in all, I have tried my best in being a better person. My mom, on the other hand, despite being a church-goer and reading the Bible and all that, had not really made much effort in this. On the outside she was a nice woman who goes to church and all that jazz, but deep down inside, she was still the same monster, the same abusive, screaming monster I've always known all my life.

Everyday, after a long beating and/or scolding, she would first put the blame on me for breaking her vows, and after she cooled off, apologize to me for breaking her vow and promised to try her best not to behave that way anymore. It was an endless cycle every time we were together. There was never a moment where she did not break her vow, and I was beginning to think that if she was ever sincere in being a born-again Christian at all.

I prayed everyday to give me the strength to endure her. I prayed for this life to be over. I prayed for her to get better, to stop being the way she was. I prayed for God to change her, to make her keep her vows. I prayed for myself to try and give me the courage, strength and wisdom to change her and not incur her wrath. I prayed to God to give me a sign, to have someone rescue me and take me out of my misery.

But where was my miracle? Where was the answer to my prayers? Where was God when I needed Him the most at that time? Was He even listening? Did He even care? Or was it that I have sinned so much in my life that I was not worth the effort to save?

I have related this to my fellow yaoi friend, and she said that maybe God's way of answering my prayers was to give me the strength to fight back and the strength for me to run from my mother and follow where my heart told me. She could be right, or maybe it was just me finally snapping and not going to take all that bullshit anymore. Maybe I knew one day, one way or another, I was going to get out of this life, and I decided to take action, prepared for the consequences.

Since then, I dunno...I've been more or less apathetic about my own religion, and no longer the devout I was before. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that there are forces at work that we cannot explain, but my faith has just...wavered since my experience. So yeah...

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