Thursday, December 24, 2009 | By: BlackGargie

Insults Are Funny...Sometimes

I was bored once and decided to see how popular I am in Google, so I googled my own pen name, and I found this person called Smartania who gave me their two cents on my fanfic Babies are for Keeps:

Babies Are For Keeps PDF Print E-mail
Written by EPK
Sunday, 18 February 2007

Professor Snape is raped repeatedly and ends up pregnant and giving birth to the children of Harry Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin at the same time. We really are not kidding. You won't get out alive.

Hack date: March 2006

Smartania Suckfic Massacre
Title: Babies are for Keeps
Author: Black Gargie

Found on: Snape Mpreg Archive (it burns.)
Genre: Harry Potter/Pure concentrated evil
Violated by:
EPK

A/N: I just came up with this wild crazy idea and thought that I might wanna put this up (no, trust me. Stuff like this is best kept private). I’ve never written something like this before (I suppose that's a small consolation), so bear with me. Well, -takes deep breath- here goes! (There's still time. Back away while you still have your dignity.)

Disclaimer: If I own Snape, I’d shag him all I want. But I don’t. T_T (I have really developed a deep, personal loathing for fanfic disclaimers. I'm not sure why. )

BABIES ARE FOR KEEPS (*sob*)


Severus woke up with a weird feeling inside him (the weird feeling was because he had suddenly sprouted ovaries, a uterus, and a vagina) . Something didn’t feel right (something hasn't felt right ever since I discovered that Mpreg fanfic existed. I'm with you on that much, at least) . It didn’t feel like the usual kicks and brushes from time to time. This was different. It was coming every 15 minutes or so and it hurt every time he moved. Severus shuddered as the unthinkable crossed his mind.

He was going into labour.

(It didn't even prepare me. It just threw me right into the horror, and now I'm afraid I'm going into shock. I'm so cold. Someone hold me. Now... the light it fades... and darkness settles in... )

He knew he had to get help right now (Yes, I think medical attention would be advisable to any man who suddenly finds himself giving birth). There was no time to lose. If he held back, there would be dire consequences (like a man birthing a baby out his ass), and on (ONE) of them would be serious pain. Yet he didn’t want to get up. He didn’t know why (that's usually a good sign that an unrealistic plot device is coming) but he didn’t wish to call anyone for help. He didn’t want people to see him in his most vulnerable self (he preferred to hang out in his most stoic and unapproachable self, but unfortunately it was at the cleaners that day) . Even asking help from Madame Pomfrey was out of the question. He’ll do this on his own (whether in past or present tense. Who cares?) . Delivering babies shouldn’t be too hard now, should it? ("But he hasn't got a womb! Where's the fetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?")

Obviously his pride got the better of him. (Funny, I don't think Snape had any pride in this story to begin with)

He got up slowly and tried to walk around, taking long deep breaths. Somehow, it helped. The pain slightly diminished (and boldly went), but it was still there. He paced slowly from one end of the room to the other. He cursed the name of the person who got him into this situation (Damn you, Black Gargie. Damn you to hell!) . He cursed the person who gave him this body that allowed this situation to happen (I'm cursing too, believe me). As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he caught sight of the couch opposite his bed. He ran his fingers on the cushion (run free, little fingers) and let out a sigh. The old feeling was still there. The same old feeling that seemed like it had happened just yesterday. How could he not forget it? (Indeed, how could he not? I'll sure be doing my best to forget this when it's over.)

He doubled over when the sudden gush began to wet his night pants.

(Excuse me, I'll be in the corner, weeping.)

*
Severus was sitting at his desk in his private quarters, making himself a drink. Sirius’ death hasn’t quite dissipated from his mind (he still suffered from random and unpredictable fits of present tense). His archenemy, his foe, his pet hate (the guy he really, really, really didn't like. At all. Not one bit - did you get the point yet?) had finally disappeared, just as he wished back in his younger school years that he would (SNAP! Ow, whiplash!). But somehow, it didn’t make him feel better that he’s dead (there are four certainties in life: death, taxes, suckfic, and the fact that fanfic writers will never, ever figure out verb tense). It didn’t make him feel happy that he was gone out of his life forever. It didn’t. Not one bit (not even just an itty bitty teeny weenie bit. NOT EVEN JUST A LITTLE).

He was about to take a sip when he heard the door knocking ("Stop that, Door," he grumbled. "I've got enough of a headache without you knocking about.") He looked sideways as he continued to gulp down the hard liquor (use of the word "hard liquor" but the inability to give a kind of liquor puts fanfic author's age at between 14 and 16. See? I use internet detective skillzorz!) . Who would be visiting him at this god forsaken hour? (Well, obviously it's the door, since it was doing the knocking. . Sheesh!) Surely it couldn’t be one of the staff now, could it? Even Dumbledore had to retire after that ordeal with the Dark Lord back in the Ministry. One of the students, maybe? Could it be Draco? That Malfoy boy had regarded Severus as a second father after Lucius. Surely the incident with his father facing a possible life sentence in Azkaban has (had) to have an effect however small to him (and let's just abandon commas entirely, shall we?).

The knocking came again (obviously, the door was very impatient tonight). Severus lowered his drink and went over to answer it (the drink was quite irritated at being answered when it hadn't said anything. After all, it was the damned door doing all the knocking) . He was quite taken aback to see The Boy Who Lived standing before him instead (instead of what? Or is it just "instead" for no reason at all Oooh, I get it. It's avant garde fanfic writing). What was he doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to be in the dormitory hanging around with his dear friends Granger and that redhead Weasley? Severus steeled his face.

“If you’re here for Occlumency, now is not the time.”

“I just…I just came here…to talk.” (I have a problem... you see... I can't seem to use a period... instead I just blurt out ellipses all over the place... oh, and I suddenly had the urge to fuck a grown man and get him pregnant. Do you think I need help?)

Severus raised an eyebrow. Talk? Just talk? What’s he playing at? (he wants to inseminate you, Snape. Can't you see where this is going?)

“Unfortunately, Potter, I’m not in a mood to entertain your long gabs (yes, because Harry and Snape often have such long, drawn out conversations in the books). I’m in a middle of an important errand. Besides, don’t you have Granger and that Weasley dunderhead?”

“They’re asleep. They won’t be able to talk. They won’t be able to help anyway.” ("Stop trying to get me to explain, Snape. Just accept the unrealistic plot device. How else am I going to be able to fuck you within 2 pages?")

“And I suppose you’re taking out your insomnia problems on me?”

“Please,” Harry said as he laid his hand on the door, nearly touching Severus’ hand that held it (that sentence couldnt't have been more awkward if it was an acne-ridden teenager writing a fanfic about pregnant men. Wait...) . “Just humour me. You’re the only one I can think of.”

Severus stared long and hard (long and hard. hehe) at the boy who had just stepped into his 6th year in Hogwarts (the 6th year at Hogwarts was smelly and stuck persistently to the bottom of his shoe). Why would he be looking for him at the dead of the night? (what is the dead of the night, and why is Harry at it? Is it some kind of undead cafe?) Why, of all people, did he come to him for solace? What is it that is really going on in his head? ("I need you, Professor Snape. Please explain the difference between past and present tense to me.") He let a silent sigh (a sigh is a sound. So if it was silent, then it wasn't a sigh, was it? Also, what did he let the sigh do? You've left me hanging, and I don't appreciate it) of resignation as he made way for him to enter. He had to let him in to find out about that. No point guessing and making false conclusions. Besides, he knew that Harry was a hardheaded person. He wouldn’t leave until he gets what he wants (Erin Blair? Is that you?). Harry made his way to the couch and Severus stood in front of him with his drink.

“Well? What is it you wish to speak to me?” ("I wish to speak WORDS to you, Professor Snape. WORDS. Although we could settle for some guttural grunting and such if you like." )

“I…I had a dream,” Harry replied tentatively.

“A dream?” Severus echoed, puzzled. Harry nodded.

“A rather unpleasant dream. I dreamt that…well, Sirius was standing at the veil. I saw Bellatrix shot (shoot) the blast at him and he fell back into the veil. I broke free from my battle with whoever it was (nobody important) and jumped into the veil after him. I was almost near to grabbing him when…”

Harry looked away, his face tense (at least someone is tense around here). Severus sipped his drink and waited patiently. He knew better than to push him (to use proper tense) when he’s (GAH) upset.

“I was so close…So close… (to cumming violently) Then a huge (penis... okay, okay, I'll stop)pair of hands loomed up and grabbed Sirius in a deadlock (a deadlock is a standstill resulting from the opposition of two unrelenting forces. I THINK YOU MEAN A "HEADLOCK"). His hands just slipped out of mine. The owner of the hands looked up at me with such malice (nobody talks like this) …It was…It was Voldemort…”

He couldn’t continue. He buried his face in his hands and his shoulder trembled as he cried (only one shoulder trembled, mind you. The other had been rendered immobile by one of Ron's curses gone wrong several months before) . Severus remained where he was as he looked at Harry. He had to admit, he felt a little sorry for him. His burden and fate had begun ever since he was a baby (and were apparently still beginning) , barely able to understand the world around him. He had been abused terribly by the Dursleys, the only unfortunate relative he had (unbeknownst to some (but knownst to us), the Dursleys were not a family of three, but one giant, three headed beast) , and had been revered as The Boy Who Lived, expected to live up his image (rather like living up a tree). He had been through so much hardship (including having to bear with Severus’ snide attitude) (wait a minute, whose viewpoint is this?) throughout his years in Hogwarts and now (deeeeeep breath!) he had to face both the death of his godfather he barely knew enough and the future battle with Voldemort (okay, it's over now, you can breathe). Surely this boy had suffered too much.

Almost suddenly, Harry stood up and grabbed Severus by the collar. Severus was taken by surprise and knocked down onto the bed (yes, I think a giant "where the hell did that come from?" is in order) . His drink dropped onto the floor with a loud crash of glass. He soon found himself staring at Harry’s striking tear-filled green eyes.

“Potter, what is the meaning of…”

“It’s all your Dark Lord’s fault! It’s all his fault Sirius is dead! He was the only father I ever wished to have (there was my real father, of course, but I never wished to have him. He was probably just a smelly old corpse anyway!) ! He was my only ticket to get away from the Dursleys! I would’ve lived a happy normal wizard life if it weren’t for Voldemort! Why? Why can’t he just leave me alone? Isn’t it enough that he had taken my parents away (or did he??????) ? Isn’t it enough that he had given me this scar? Why does he have to take away everything that I own? (it wasn't a widely known fact, but Harry had purchased Sirius from a Wizard Brothel. The whole prisoner of Azkaban, House of Black thing was just a farce) Why? Why??” (Why must I be so out of character? Whyyyyyy?)

“There is no need to take it out on me, Potter. Now get off me before it’s 50 points from…” Severus tried to get up but he was pinned back down on the bed (I wonder where this is leading. *chews nails in suspense*).

“I hate you! I hate you and all the Death Eaters linked to him! I hate Voldemort! I hate him! I hate him!! I HATE HIM!!!” (caps and extra exclamation points for EMPHASIS!!!!)

Before Severus could react, Harry started ripping off the lower half of his clothes, exposing the pale skin and his long member (I'm about to start that curled up in a fetal position, emitting a keening wail thing). He planted a deep kiss in him (the kiss immediately sprouted roots and began to bud. With regular watering and a little sunshine, it would soon grow into a lovely flower) and continued to take off the rest of Severus’ clothing, including his own (Snape liked to wear Harry's underwear on the weekends. It made him feel hot). Severus tried to pry him away from his kiss but (the roots had already sunk too deep, wrapping around his internal organs) Harry had let most of his dead weight on him (all 90 pounds of him). He had to get him off! He had to get him away from him! He had to make him stop, before… (why don't we all just spork our eyes out now and get it over with?)

Harry suddenly let go. He looked at Severus with those pair (that pair) of innocent, surprised and inquisitive eyes he had when he first saw him in the Great Hall (Snape hadn't seen the innocent, surprised and inquisitive eyes since then, as Harry preferred to wear his jaded, uninterested, apathetic eyes most of the time). It soon melted into (a pile of goo, leaving Harry with two empty sockets) an apologetic understanding. Severus held his breath. His secret has been discovered (Snape's a shemale?). He looked away, slightly embarrassed. He didn’t notice Harry’s I-didn’t-know look on his face (these sentences are so awkward it's hard to even mock them). He didn’t want to face him. It was bad enough to be found by the very person he didn’t wish to be found (oh dear lord. Just... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?). His pride was gone. All gone. (Gone. All gone. Woe.)

Slowly Harry took his chin ("No, not my chin!" Snape screamed as Harry ran off with it) and turned his face towards him. He had a sad smile on his lips as his green eyes stared deep into his tunnel-dark ones (it's so perfectly fanfic, it's like it came from a generator or something). His lips came again (spurting lip-jizz everywhere). This time it wasn’t that hate-with-a-passion kiss (what's with these hyphenated, makeshift adjectives? Would it be too difficult to just say "hateful" or "hatefully passionate?") , but more of a softer, seductive brush before advancing deeper (Harry loved Snape now that his girl parts were revealed, you see. Now there were two orifices Harry Potter, Porn Star, could fuck). As they continued kissing, Severus felt Harry’s hand traveling along his thighs. He felt his legs being opened and lifted as Harry’s kisses advanced to his ear and neck (excuse me, I'll just be over here in the corner, rocking back and forth in a fetal position and clutching my copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone). Severus let out a moan when Harry nibbled at his earlobe. He almost wanted to cover his mouth. Did he just moan? He didn’t think he’d do that. He never thought he could do that and feel so good about it, not since… (yeah, yeah, whatever)

“I’ll be very gentle.”

Severus bit his lips (with the secondary ring of teeth around the outside of his mouth) as he felt Harry going into him (wow, that was quick. A few kisses and then bam! Penetration! Harry is a really shitty lover. And what's he penetrating? His ass? His hidden vagina? You can't keep these things from us, you know) . Bringing them together as one (TM). He tentatively let another moan escape his lips as Harry came in again (huh?). He gripped ahrd (aahaha. I love how the spelling errors and typos become more rampant once the sex hits. In every damned fanfic. Like clockwork.) on the bed sheet as he fought hard not to cry (for the loss of his personality, which is apparently not present in this fic at all) It was repeating itself again. History was repeating itself, although this time it felt pleasurable. He wasn’t supposed to feel elated about this. He was being raped (and rape is something to be enjoyed, after all! Silly world. Listen to the fanfic writers!). Raped by The Boy Who Lived. Raped by the Gryffindor he had despised as soon as he knew of his name.

(Take a moment, if you will, to let this sink in. Think of Harry Potter, the heroic boy wizard from the endlessly imaginative series of CHILDREN'S books by the fabulous J.K. Rowling. Harry,who goes to a wizarding school and hangs out with his wizarding friends and gets into all sorts of mishaps and eventually ends up saving the day and winning the Quiddich match! Harry Potter, the most popular children's series of all time. Harry Potter, who only just kissed a girl for the first time in the last book. 16-year-old HARRY POTTER is raping Professor Snape, who is much, much older than he is. Let that sink in. Then again, in the world of fanfic, Tintin has probably raped Captain Haddock, Watson has fucked Sherlock Holmes with a strap-on, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo have engaged in anal fisting, and Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck routinely commit cross-species bestiality in fur suits).

He shouldn’t be feeling pleasant (but this is fanfic! Rape is always enjoyable in fanfic!) He should be feeling violated (I know *I* feel violated). He should be feeling disgusted for even thinking that this was pleasurable. Of all people, he had to be the one to discover the secret he hid so well even from them. The wretched people who got him into this situation. He should’ve just hexed Harry and send him off to his dorm and save this humiliation from happening.

But why didn’t he? (Because then he wouldn't be able to have sex with Harry and have teh babiez with Harry and OMG LOLZORZ!)

Harry brought himself in again (what is Harry doing, exactly?) . Severus couldn’t hold back—he let the tears fall freely and moaned louder (yeah, I'm moaning and crying right now too, but not for the same reasons). The younger man whispered for him to let go, to let it all out. And that’s what he did (hello, tense?) . He didn’t care if he was drooling uncontrollably (oh, there's a sexy image. Though, I am confused as to whether this fanfic is supposed to be sexy or grimily disturbing. It fails at both. I mean, it IS disturbing, but not for the reasons the author intended), he didn’t care if he was staining his pillow wet with his tears. He just let go. For the first time, he moaned out “Harry” instead of “Potter” (oh yeah, baby, that's getting me so hot). He wrapped his arms around Harry and moaned some more, kissing his arms tenderly (and here's a question from the "physical geography" peanut gallery. How do you kiss someone's arms if you have your arms wrapped around them? We're getting into two-headed, four-armed territory again and it frightens me). Harry also called out “Severus” instead of “Snape” as he ejected his seed into him.

LO, SMARTANIANS. Know all men by these presents that on this day, a new and endlessly hilarious euphemism for "blew his wad" has been discovered. Perhaps it doth not dwarf the grandeur of "released his erection and inseminated", but it commeth close. Yea. And let it be known that henceforth, the male orgasm shall be referred to as "ejecting his seed".)

Breathless and spent, Harry pulled out and lay beside him, his face flushed. Severus had his hand over his eyes, not wanting to let Harry see them red and sodden.

sod·den
adj.

1. Thoroughly soaked; saturated.
2. Soggy and heavy from improper cooking; doughy.
3. Expressionless, stupid, or dull, especially from drink.
4. Unimaginative; torpid.

I wouldn't want anyone to see my eyes if they were saturated either.

Harry reached over and cradled him in his arms.

“Whose is it?” Harry whispered. Severus buried his face onto his chest. (once again, fanfic raises endless philosophical questions. What is the meaning of life? How did we come to be here? What is our purpose? How does one bury ones face onto something?)

“Black…and Lupin…”

(Warning: Snape has been raped lots.)

*
“Severus?”

Severus’ breath hitched (I've always disliked that expression. What did it hitch itself to, a trailer?) when he heard the familiar voice outside. He quickly but painfully retreated to his bed. He couldn’t let him see him (him? Who? Him! HIM! Agggh!) as pathetic and weak as this! What would he think? What would he say? He had to hide from him! (!!!!!!!!!!!)

“Go…Go away, Harry…!” (omg idz Harry i is teh so surprized)

“The bracelet is burning through my wrist, Sev. There’s something going on in there and I need to know what.”

Severus cursed. He should’ve remembered about the bracelet. Minerva gave it during the night of their union (why do I get the feeling I'm about to upchuck my lunch?). She said it was a charm so that they’ll know when something’s wrong with their spouse (whiplash!). (Warning: big infodump coming. The latest random plot device will be explained at length in 4... 3... 2...) Despite them being united, Harry was still the student of Hogwarts and staying in the Potion Master’s room didn’t seem too appropriate for the Ministry of Magic. So Harry had to oblige with the decision that he remain in his dormitory until he finished school. But being the rule-breaker as he is (THAT he WAS), he would sneak in once too often and spend the night with his husband (*choke* *gag* *wheeze*). Severus stole a look at his bracelet. It was glowing a deep green.

“Go away, Harry! I’m fine…!”

“Is it the babies?” (It burns. Oh god, it burns.)

“I said go away!”

“Severus Snape-Potter (I just sprayed my drink all over my monitor) , I think I know what’s going on in there(how dare you give birth without my knowledge?), , and I want you to let me in!”

Severus didn’t reply. He was trying to hold back the pain that had begun to turn frequent. Cold sweat began to cover his entire body. The pain and contractions intensified and Severus let out a strangled yelp ("What's that, Snape? What's that? Timmy fell down the well? Good dog!"). The triplets were really killing him. (Triplets now? Oh god, don't tell me where this is going. Also, can they please kill me too so I don't have to read the rest of this?)

“I don’t care, Severus! I’m coming in! Hang in there!” (I suppose I'm doing myself great mental harm by expecting these guys to be in character, aren't I? I should have just given up on that from the start.)

“No…No, please…Don’t look at me…” (look what this fanfic writer has reduced me to! A hermaphroditic, weeping, simpering shell of a man, with no remnants of my former dark, brooding coolness.. Please, Harry, just kill me. And yourself, while you're at it.)

Too late. Harry had used a spell to blast the doorknob open. As expected (expected by whom? Snape? Harry? The , gibbering, insane freak in the corner? Oh wait, that's me.) , Harry gasped to see Severus curled up like a ball clutching both the bed sheet and his huge belly tightly, breathing heavily as he tried to hold back the pain.

“Severus…oh God… (you're giving birth! I had no idea pregnant men/women/hermaphrodites/evil spawns of fanfic did that. Why didn't someone tell me this could happen? I'm not prepared!) You should’ve flooed me! I was at the Common Room all night doing my homework!”

“I…I didn’t…want you…to see me like this…” (Nor does anyone with half a brain)

“Nonsense! It’s the babies we’re talking about! Come, let me remove your pants.” (*DEAD*) (It's like those memes where you replace words with "pants". Luke, I am your pants. May the pants be with you. To boldly go where no pants have gone before.)

“What…? Aren’t you…going to take me to…the Hospital Wing…or something…?” Severus asked painfully(who needs periods?) Harry shook his head.

(Explanation of random plot device beginning in 4... 3... 2...)

“Madame Pomfrey had to fill in for St. Mungo. They’re running short of staff and it’s a rush hour. She won’t be back until next week. We’ll have to do this ourselves.”

* (THIS MEANS THAT WE ARE GOING BACK IN TIME NOW.)


“I heard that you and Harry are getting married.” (Does marriage somehow lessen he grotesqueness of MPreg fanfic? I mean, why even bother?)

Severus nodded, not looking at Remus. They had a rather long meeting in the Order and Severus was dying to get hom(E) and have a good night’s rest. Harry had told him (like the domineering 16-year-old husband he was) not to attend the meeting because of his condition but Severus insisted to go (white doll with bear?), since he was still the member (not just any member; THE member. The hot, throbbing member)of the Order. He had an obligation to keep. After the meeting, Harry was required to stay back for other important discussions and he told Severus to leave without him. Remus offered to walk him back to Hogwarts.

“And I heard that…you’re having his child.” (Someone hold me. I can't go on.)

“That’s right.”

“Surprising, though. I never thought you had a heart for Harry. You used to make yourself seem so resentful towards that boy.”

Severus gave him a sideways look. Obviously Remus had no recollection of what had happened before. How could he? Whenever he’s a werewolf, his mind goes animal-like and practically haywire, (that's some descriptive skill to rival William Gibson himself, right there) (and he forgets all of his painstaking lessons on verb tense) especially when he hadn’t taken the Wolfsbane. And that exactly what happened one night when he (Alert: Please round up your he's. There are too many of them and we've lost track) was about to bring him his Wolfsbane potion to his office back when Remus was still the DADA (yes, we couldn't even be bothered to spell out Defense Against the Dark Arts. Why waste time when there's MPreg to be written?) teacher. Somehow his transformation beat his time to brew the potion and Remus Lupin became Remus the Werewolf. He didn’t even have the time to react. The huge canine sniffed out Severus’ scent (and didn't sniff out his his taste, as some werewolves do. Those pesky, taste-sniffing werewolves.) and pounced onto the old bat, threatening to bite his throat off. He thought he was a goner when suddenly the werewolf was beginning to take more interest of (IN) his smell than his jugular. He sniffed and sniffed until he reached his crotch. Severus widened his eyes (with a reaming tool) in shock as he saw Remus’ member erected out (or is that ejected?). The next thing he knew was his pants torn off into shreds and his rude intrusion… (white doll with bear was confused, said the later cannon.)

(Also, I think this author has some rape-fantasy issues that he/she needs to deal with).

“You should be surprised you’re still alive, on the account that you have a tendency to tear people into bloody shreds,” Severus replied, trying to shake off the horrible memory. (What did the last passage have to do with anything that was said previously? My brain hurts.) He did a mental note to put this in the Pensieve so he won’t be haunted by them anymore (Tense! Pronouns! Figure them out! AAAGH!).

“Yeah. I wouldn’t even be fit to be a father, what with my condition. I wouldn’t want my child to witness his own dad transforming into a hideous wolf and be scarred for life.” (I just rape people from time to time, and hope I don't impregnate them.)

Which is why you don’t know about this spawn you’ve given me, Severus thought acidly. (Yes, you're reading right. Snape is pregnant with the children of three people at once. Now is the time to make use of the spork I gave you earlier, if you haven't already.)

“I’m thinking of a cure though.”

“Pardon?” (a cure for Mpreg fanfic? You don't say.)

“I’ll be going off soon on a trip in search of a cure. I mean, I was only bitten, not born with it. There has got to a cure somewhere out there. I might be gone for quite a long while.” (This has nothing to do with the "story", but it seems redundant to complain about that, honestly.)

“And when will you be leaving?”

“Maybe some day after the war’s over. I’ll break it to Harry myself in due time, of course. He’s quite close to me and I need his support over this. You think he’ll agree with my decision?”

“Knowing him, I believe he would.”

*
“Come on, Severus. You can do this. Push!” (Dear Harry Potter fans: I hate you.)

Severus gritted his teeth and bore down as hard as he could. It has been (Please, figure out your tenses soon. I'm running out of jokes to make) almost an hour and a half since he first got the cue from his husband to push. He had a feeling that Harry’s child would come out first (because, of course, the other two children were from rape and Harry's was from twue wuv. Well, that was rape too, but it was rape of twue wuv! And the baby of twue wuv always comes out of the father/mother's mangina first). It was a weird anatomy Lord Voldemort had created for him (undoubtedly. )

(Despite the repugnance of the subject matter and the general suckage of the writing in general, I can at least give the author credit for having Snape acquire female-type anatomy through magic rather than birthing the baby out his ass. Thank you for that. You have narrowly saved me from a horrible death by self-sporking.)

.He remembered when he first became a Death Eater, the Dark Lord had a sickening liking for him. He would uninvitingly touch him here and there and would shag him occasionally.

Then one day he was thrown into one of his secret chambers and was hexed with some sort of curse he had never heard before (let's not bother to explain the curse or its origins. That would add too much to the STORY and PLOT). When he regained consciousness, he discovered that he had turned into a hermaphrodite for Voldemort’s own viewing pleasure ("I've decided I want you all to call me Loretta"). He never touched him again after that, but when he read more about the curse, it was said that it enables (TENSE! GASFJLKDGawerouisdg) him the ability to carry the child of more than one father. And to think being shagged by 3 people was bad enough (Professor Snape: Shagwell by name, Shag Very Well by nature!)

Which was why he was stuck here in this room with his husband who had only learnt about baby deliveries through a book borrowed by Hermione Granger (you know, this is just really stupid). He didn’t know why he would let the lives inside his womb be trusted in the hands of him (obviously because there wouldn't be a suckfic without it. Sheesh) .

“You’re almost there, Sev. You’re almost there.”

Severus could feel the baby’s shoulders coming (the shoulders were coming out first, since the baby had no head. He gripped tighter at the bed sheet and groaned, pushing as instructed. He was soaked with sweat and the bed was drenched with his own crimson red (because yes, childbirth always involves buckets and buckets of blood before the kid even comes out. Someone's learned all about the birds and the bees from ER). Harry continued to coach him. He could feel him tugging the baby out and it hurt (I suppose it would be weird if I harped on the disturbing "tugging" of the infant in a fanfic where PROFESSOR SNAPE is giving birth to the child of just about everyone in the story? Yeah, I thought so. I'll lay off.)

“Please…Please get it out…” Severus’ command became a desperate whimper. Harry reached over to kiss his forehead (with the lips that had grown out of the palm of his hand.)

“You’re almost there, Sev. One more push.”

Severus took a deep breath and pushed. As he felt the rest of the baby’s body sliding out, he let out a painful cry. More tears fall (that's it. I'm out of tense jokes. From now on I'll just have to slap you.) freely from his tunnel-dark (I can almost see the author reading "tunnel-dark" somewhere and growing all misty-eyed at the thought of using it to describe Snape. Again and again and again.) eyes as Harry handed the bawling bundle of joy (TM) to him. It was Harry’s baby alright (I know that "alright" is unconventionally accepted as an alternative to "all right", but damn, it still bugs me), with the same unkempt hair and green eyes like his father, and Severus’ pale skin. It was like looking at a baby version of Harry Potter who needed a good suntan (Harry being known for his dark complexion, after all).

“It’s yours,” Severus whispered. (Kill it. KILL IT! Before it spawns!)

“He’s…He’s beautiful…” Harry seemed speechless and tear-filled as he stroke the baby’s chin (he was speechless and tear-filled, though. He only seemed it.) . The baby had stopped crying and was eyeing at (*sob*) his parents tiredly. Severus and Harry were both lost in their world as they continued to stare lovingly at their son. Only Severus’ new contraction brought them back to reality (the new contraction was shiny, and in much better shape than the old contractions, which Harry decided to throw out on the next trash day).

“It’s time for the rest to come out,” Harry said as he laid his son into the crib they’ve (*slap*) prepared weeks before the birth (clean-up? Umbilical cord? Hello? You're just going to leave the kid attached to Snape? That's going to smell after a while).

“I’m…I’m tired…” (Me too, Snape. Me too.)

“It’ll be over soon, Sev. One down, two more to go.”

*
Severus and Harry lay side by side on the bed. Since that fateful night, Harry somehow couldn’t get enough of him. Despite his confession of having both Sirius’ and Remus’ children, he came back religiously every two days to be with him (the hims are running amok again. Someone go and round them up). Sometimes it was just quiet company or friendly chit-chat, but mostly they shag(GED) each other like there’s (*slap*) no tomorrow. Harry hadn’t told Ron and Hermione about their relationship and wasn’t sure where to start (and nobody was at all curious about Snape's mysterious pregnancy, or the baby that looked just like Harry Potter). In the end, he just let nature takes its course.

Harry had asked about how Sirius came into the equation (oh yes, we are all just dying to know this), and Severus silently revealed (how did he silently reveal it? Through telepathy?) the night after Harry and his dream team moved off to Hogwarts for the new term. They had a little argument during the Order meeting and Sirius wasn’t the one to let it go that easily. He had secretly slid into Hogwarts Padfoot style and managed to creep into Severus’ room without him realizing it. Knowing Sirius, what with his name still in the list of ‘Hogwarts’ Most Wanted’ and all, stealth was all he got (buh?). He continued to debate on the issue with Severus and when Severus refused to acknowledge him, he was pinned forcefully against the wall and the unthinkable happened. (What is it with everyone in this story raping Professor Snape whenever they get mad?)

“Black was rather angry and bitter,” Severus admitted (and we know that in fanfic, rape is okay and easily excusable if they apologize and give you good sex later). “He had gone through a number of trials and errors in his life, including being framed and having to hide from being caught for a crime he didn’t commit. I cannot blame him entirely.” (Let throttling of fanfic author commence now.)

“But he raped you, Severus,” Harry argued, his hand reached over to hold Severus’ under the covers (Harry was disconcerted to see his hand running about on its own, but he let it be. As long as it didn't rape anyone.) . “How could you forgive him just like that? I couldn’t believe he would do something like that to you. He’s blindly taking out his anger and frustrations at (ON) you!”

“Like I said, Harry, he was bitter. He had to let go of something. I haven’t entirely forgiven him though. I’m rather upset about him dying; he’ll escape all responsibilities over this child of his so conveniently, though I dare say death is rather a release for him, what with his life and all.”

A long silence hung between them (until Harry got sick of it dangling there and sliced it off with a razor) as they both stared up at the ceiling (and contemplated raping each other to pass the time). Severus stroke his slightly protruding belly and sighed silently (again with the silent sighs. This must be a trick I haven't learned yet). He could feel the babies inside him growing (what are they, super duper insta-babies? Like in that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Counselor Troi becomes pregnant with an entity that takes her through the entire pregnancy and birth in a couple of days?). (Random plot point to be explained in 4... 3... 2... ) The growth-stopping spell had already begun to wear off and the babies have begun to develop (*slap*) The first time he cast the growth-stopping spell was when he discovered having Remus’ child. He stopped the growth and looked through his potions in order to find something to get rid of it, but somehow his conscience caught up with him (Professor Snape: no longer a dark, brooding man with an unknown agenda. Now he's a weepy, fragile, conscience ridden victim who gets raped a lot). When he discovered that having Sirius’ child triggered the growth-stopping spell to wear off earlier than expected, he cautiously cast another mild dose of it to stop both Remus’ and Sirius’ children from growing until he could figure out what to do with them later. Now that he felt the growth of the children kicking in, he knew what he had to do. (Reading all of that and trying to make sense of it has me spent. Cigarette?)

“I’m pregnant,” Severus said out of the blue. Harry chuckled and turned to him. (The proper Harry Potter would be horrified by all of this.)

“Of course you are. I can see that.”

“No…I meant your child. I am with your child as well.” ("with child". What is this, the bible?)

Harry stared at Severus in disbelief. He had expected that reaction. (I told you to round up those hes. They're all over the god damned place now.)

“The growth-stopping spell is beginning to wear off and I can feel the babies growing (that's just icky) . That’s how I know. Don’t worry, you don’t have to bear responsibility over them. You had enough to go through (what with being a 16 year old rapist and all). You just finish your studies and go on with your life and your duties…”

Severus’ words were cut short with Harry’s kiss (were cut short BY Harry's kiss. *slap*). He was brought closer to his embrace and the kiss deepened (asphincter says what?) . He could feel his tongue fondling the insides of his mouth, tasting him ravishingly like he was a sweet delicacy (I told you to corral those hes. Now look at what they've done! They're into everything!) . It felt like forever before he was finally broke off by the kiss (the kiss snapped him clealy in two and threw his head and upper body into the trash).

“Harry…?” Severus asked breathlessly.

“Will you marry me?” (then he reconsidered and raped him instead)

*
Severus clutched onto Harry’s sleeves and breathed heavily. He couldn’t take it anymore. The pain was too much. It was near the break of dawn, and yet Sirius’ child hasn’t (*slap*) come out entirely. The shoulders are ( *slap*) out but that was it (also, seriously, that kid's got some big shoulders if they got stuck but not the head. Unless Snape is giving birth to the incredible hulk. FANFIC WRITERS: LEARN BIOLOGY. ). They were going nowhere.

“Come on, Sev. You can do it. You’re almost there.” (Just one more push and the massive-shouldered mutant will be free!)

“I…I can’t do it…I can’t do it anymore…” (I'm with you, Snape, trust me.)

“I’m right here, Sev. Come on, you can do it.”

“Harry James Potter…I hate you…! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!” (but yes, what would a birth scene be without stupid, overdone clich├ęs?)

“No, Sev. You don’t hate me,” Harry leaned his forehead on Severus’ (it looked a little strange, his disembodied forehead propped up against that of Snape, so Harry decided to ignore it. Annoyed, he looked around for someone to rape). “You don’t hate me. You’re almost there. I believe in you, Sev.”

“Easy for you to say,” Severus’ snide remark turned out to be like a whine of a schoolboy (yeah, it's irritating me too). “You’re not the one going through this pain…” (It's frightening how much I'm identifying with Snape right now.)

“That’s why I’m with you. Now push, Sev. Just one more push and you’ve done it.” (One more push and you'll have crapped this fanfic into the toilet where it belongs.)

Severus, after taking a couple of long deep breaths, pulled at Harry’s sleeves and pushed. He groaned and grunted as he followed Harry’s coaching. He could feel Sirius’ child coming out slowly and the feeling was torture (because the baby was covered in SPIKES). Not only that, he could feel another pressure coming along with the birth. Many times he wanted to stop and just die (yes please) of fatigue but Harry’s voice kept him going. He pushed harder, following Harry’s voice. Harry kept telling him to push harder and he was getting rather annoyed with it. Damn this husband of his whom he always end up obliging to his requests (I'm sorry, could you translate that? I don't' speak moron). The pressure was building up and Severus finally screamed his lungs out . He didn’t care if the entire Hogwarts could hear him—he just wanted this painful nightmare to end.

“Harry~!!! HARRY, IT HURTS~!!!” (save me from this horrible, horrible fanfic!)

“Just a bit more, Sev. Just a bit more. You’re doing great!” (No, you bastard! I can't take this agony! This fic is shit! Pure shit! I can't do it!)

“PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!! PLEASE GET IT OUT OF ME~!!!” (What's with the tilds? Is this yet another new and creative Fanfic Author Made punctuation(TM)?)

“I’m right here with you, Sev. Just push.”

Severus continued to scream and scream as he pushed with all his might. By then, he felt that he must have woken the whole damn Hogwarts population. But he didn’t care. The pressure was getting worse. It was nearly breaking his vagina (*DEAD* You bastard! You broke my vagina!) . As he gave one last desperate push, tearing Harry’s sleeve in the process, he cried. He cried and didn’t think he would stop (I am so there with you, Snape) . Harry’s face had a look of shock (which it only brought out on special occasions) and wonder as he stared the bloody bundle between Severus’ thighs. Severus asked between sobs, “What…What’s wrong…Harry…?”

(Harry, like the all-knowing encyclopedia he was, said) “It seems that…well, Remus’ baby was impatient to get out. She squeezed herself somewhere above her brother’s feet and came out together with him,” Harry had that sort of innocent grin as he held up the two babies (by their feet), for the worried old bat to see. Severus took them in his arms, along with Harry’s baby, and kissed them lovingly over and over again (umbilical cord? Hello?) as he waited for Harry to remove the afterbirth from him (ew). It was a really long and painful night for him and he wanted to do nothing but gloat over his babies and then sleep. (I just want to die. Can I do that now?)

Before fatigue claimed him, he thought he heard voices coming from the door of his private quarters… (this has nothing to do with the "plot", don't worry.)

*
“Do you, Harry James Potter, take Severus Snape to be your life-long spouse, to the end of your days?” (Apparently underage marriage and statutory rape aren't concerns at Hogwarts.)

It was the night of their union, held in the middle of the Quidditch field (but there was that bit earlier about Harry not telling anyone about their relationship and... oh god, I'm so confused). There were elaborate guests (the guests had been planned and crafted with exquisite detail), mostly from the student population and the staff of Hogwarts, Remus Lupin included. Some are (*slap*) from the Ministry of Magic and also some ex-students who were quite close to Severus. Albus Dumbledore was the one to conduct the ceremony, along with Minerva McGonagalle (let's just throw in a random "e" for fun) . She was holding in a tray the bracelets that would seal their union forever. Harry turned and stared lovingly at Severus and nodded.

“I do.”

“With this bracelet, you are bound to your oath and your love for him,” Minerva said as she took the reddish-gold bracelet and wore it on Harry’s left arm (she wore it on his arm, eh? That would require some contortion).

“Do you, Severus Snape, take Harry James Potter to be your life-long spouse, to the end of your days?”

Severus stared at Harry. They have ( *slap*) come this far to be together. He himself had never thought that he would end up being in the arms of this child who had barely reached seventeen (you had to remind me. Now I'm even more upset) . He thought that he had succeeded in making Harry hate him for the unworthy, cynical git as he was, but the hate he had created for Harry had turned its tables at him instead. He didn’t think that Harry would go so far as to accept his condition and care for the first two children inside him that had no blood relations whatsoever with him. He had finally, after so many long years of bitterness, loneliness and sadness, found the person that would give him endless happiness and comfort for the days to come (a teenage boy who had raped him. Uh huh. I know I'm feeling the romance.) . He knew he had found what he was looking for all along. He finally nodded.

“I do.”

“With this bracelet, you are bound to your oath and your love for him,” Minerva then did the same thing to him (I told you to round up those hims and hes. They're all over the damned place. They're in my hair! AGH!) with the greenish-silver bracelet.

“With both sides agreeing to share their lives together till death do them part, I proudly pronounced you both life-long spouses. You may kiss your blushing bride, Harry,” (that would be less disturbing if the author wasn't trying to be serious) Albus grinned as he waved his wand around their heads, emitting starry white and blue waves around them to magically bind them to their union. Harry need not to be asked twice. He reached over and kissed Severus deeply, and Severus returned his (penis) .

“I love you, Severus.”

“And I you.”

"May you happily rape each other until the end of your days. I now pronounce you husband and child. You may kiss the underage boy."

*
Severus slowly opened his eyes. He turned to see Harry lying beside him, sleeping peacefully without any care for the world. He smiled and leaned over to kiss him on the forehead. He was surprised to see that the couch was filled with flowers and gifts from every person possibly existed in Hogwarts, with rather fluffy cards to match (how are cards "fluffy"?). Some of them were from Ron, Hermione, Draco and Remus Lupin and even the entire family member of the Weasleys (the entire family member, huh? What's that, the collective penis of the whole family?). Severus sighed, feeling rather out of place with all the attention he’s (*slap*) getting.

He then moved quietly towards the crib (without standing up, or even getting out of bed). They were all sleeping peacefully, sucking their thumbs and all clad in baby clothes (and so were the babies). Severus reached over to touch their cheeks (with his three hands). The babies gurgled a little, blinked and yawned before going back to their slumber. The baby dressed in red and yellow was obviously Harry’s unkempt-haired son. The one in pink was Remus’ with the same brown hair and Severus’ tunnel-dark (that's the third time now. Time for a new adjective) eyes. The one in green and silver was Sirius’ child. They both had the same dark hair, so he wasn’t sure which side the child inherited, but he did inherit Sirius’ eyes the mixture of blue and gray (*Cry*). Severus couldn’t help but smile. He found it hard to believe that he had been carrying these children inside him for the past 9 months. He found it even harder to believe that he actually had the strength to give birth to all of them. (And I can't believe I had the strength to read through it all.)

“You really gave me a hard time last night, you know that? Don’t you ever do that again.” (Raping me and all that. You're a horrible boyfriend.)

“Do what, Sev?”

Severus almost jumped as he felt Harry’s arms around him. Harry was awake and his unkempt hair (we get the point that Harry has unkempt hair, too. You don't need to repeat it continually) dangled lazily on his head. He reached over and kissed the older man (who was sandwiched between them, wearing only a ribbon and a smile) and shifted his gaze towards the babies.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

“We have to give them names.” (Oh please no, I can't take that pain. Let me guess: James Harry Snape-Potter, Sirius Snape-Potter, Lily Hermione Snape-Potter, and OH GOD, THE AGONY asfhkl;)

“First tell me what happened after I passed out.”

“Well, (said Sherlock Holmes) your screams obviously woke up the entire Slytherin dormitory and somehow Draco popped in to see what happened at the very last moment of the birth (oh ha ha, this is all so droll and amusing). He rushed to Dumbledore’s quarters and he and McGonagalle (again with the random "e". What the heck? I apologize if this is in the British edition and I'm just looking like a dumbassed North American, here) flooed for Madame Pomfrey to come here. She made it here without second notice and cleaned you and the babies up real well. I got a scolding for attempting the delivery on my own without professional help but as usual, Ron and Hermione backed me up, saying that I did a fairly good job for someone who just learnt it through the books (even if I did forget to cut the umbilical cords and all of that. Dumbledore came here and cleaned up all the placenta after everyone left). The entire Hogwarts heard wind of the birth and that resulted to (IN) those gifts over there.”

“It’s a bit too much, don’t you think?” Severus wrinkled his nose at upon seeing the heap on the couch. (Then he went to inspect the gifts that sat at upon within to from the couch, but not before Harry put his penis in upon into his ass.)

“I think it’s quite enough for three babies.”

Comfortable silence hung above them (untill Harry snapped at it to stop hanging there, and it slunk away into the shadows) as they continued to stare at their babies sleeping peacefully in their crib. Harry inhaled Severus’ neck (and nearly choked to death on it) and he let out a sigh of ecstasy (it was a little-known fact that he belonged to an underground group of internet fetishists: www.neckvore.com) . Ever since he was with Harry, he began to reveal his feelings more freely and unashamed of how he really felt about things. Though he continued to maintain the image of cold stone (don't you mean stone cold?) Potion Master during classes, but those who knew him well now knew that sometimes he never exactly mean what he said.

“It was a full moon last night when they’re (*SLAP*) born,” Harry admitted. “Our daughter had ( *SLAP*) inherited Emus’ shape-changing powers (who is Emus? Or does she mean that the kid can change into a large, funny-looking Australian bird?) , though I think she wasn’t in pain when she transformed back to human (that means she was in pain, dumbass) . I think she’ll work out just fine.”

“But tongues would wag,” Severus muttered worriedly. “People will know she’s not yours, and…and Remus will find out…” (how much people enjoy raping you, and he might get some ideas)

“He has the right to know, Sev. She’s his daughter too. But if he dares take her away from you, I’ll make sure he wished (*SLAP*) he’s (*SLAP*) never been born.”

“Harry, you are always such a knight in shining armour.”(I don't know what I'd do without you if you hadn't gotten pissed off, raped me, and impregnated me, you stallion of a man. Er, I mean teenager.)

“Anything for you, Sev.”

“We still have to name them.” (Please don't.)

“What do you suggest?” (Please, no.)

“Well, since you’re officially their father, you do the honours then.” (No. No. No. NO.)

“Alright,” Harry smiled as he stroke each forehead of the babies (they were mutant children, all possessing three foreheads each), “I shall name this one Alexander Caninus, a reminder of Sirius (*cry*) . This little girl here will be Dorianne Luna , a reminder of Remus and my little bundle of joy here will be James the second, after my father. (Oh my god, I called it. *Kills self*)

“They’re all your bundles of joy, you know (this is not Snape talking). You shouldn’t neglect them just because they’re not of your flesh and blood.”

“I know. Just a small reminder of their fathers. I will still love them as my own, as much as I love you.” (This is not Harry Potter talking. Harry isn't here anymore, Mrs. Torrence. Redrum! Redrum!)

Severus smiled. Harry does (*slap*) have his way of sweet-talking him. As they both share ( *slap*) a passionate kiss (that grew more passionate with each intense moment of passionate passion), Severus felt slightly grateful that his conscience that fateful day with Remus’ child caught up with him. (I have no idea what just happened.)

~The Very Confusing End


Surprisingly, I was not insulted or upset. In fact, when I was reading it, I was actually laughing. He was downright insulting my fic and making sarcastic and satarical quote on my writing, and yet I don't feel insulted. I feel it funny to be treated as a joke or something. I dunno. Maybe I'm a masochist or something, but seriously, this is the most funniest insult I have ever received in my life! XD

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