Thursday, December 10, 2009 | By: BlackGargie

A Blessing & A Curse...

Oh boy, when you have too much ideas in your mind, you tend to want to write them all out and soon find it hard to keep track of them. It's rather a big setback for having a too imaginative mind like I have. Gives you headaches and migraines.

Seriously, man! You try to do something and then the next thing you know, something new comes and the old one is just a thing of the past. Sigh! It scares me sometimes...

Anywho, the reason I'm ranting here at the moment is because I had just recently made the hardest decision of my life in terms of fanfic-writing.

I had to delete some of the fanfics.

Before you start thinking about "How the hell is that called the hardest decision of your life?" lemme ask you this question: Have you ever had something that you have worked so hard for, receiving positive feedback in the process, and spent all that time and energy on it for so long, and then finally you had no choice but to be rid of it because you were forced to?

Well, that's exactly what I have been through.

When I looked through my fanfic list that I have still in progress in FF.net, I realized that I have been having a lot of accumulated fanfics that I have yet to complete since...well, I suppose roughly since 2003, and more ideas are pouring in for new fanfics instead. I knew I couldn't keep up with all of them and I had to let go some of them to make room.

So I went back to my folders and stared at my fanfics for the longest time, both for the ones in progress and the ones that I'm going to write (well, they're drafts, more like it). I started asking myself: Do I have any ideas to keep this fanfic going? Is there a plot, a story to tell, an idea for this whole mess? Do I really have the passion to write this anymore? Do I even really want to write this in the first place? Those were the things that were going through my mind over and over again, asking myself to put aside the personal feelings I had for this fanfic (and also the feeling of others who had read and wanted the story to continue) and rationalized as to whether it is worth my time and effort to write all of this.

I went back to FF.net and checked the reviwes for each and every fanfic that was still in progress to see how is the feedback. The most recent ones being it this year was scarce, short and it felt not really enthusiastic enough. My best pal, my Irish RP friend, did ask me to continue one of them, and I feel for her, but when I reread the fanfic and calculated the worth of it, it's just doesn't really tally. Some of the fanfics that I wrote was on the heat of the moment when I was at the phase of loving that particular show and now that I think back, it just wasn't worth to write anymore because my passion for that particular show is gone. And some of the fanfics...well, frankly, I was getting lazy and have no interest for it anymore because there are no ideas for it and I don't see any point in continuing. Then I went to the folder for my new fanfics and also calculated the worth of writing it and the possible success rate of ever getting it done. Again, the passion and the ideas came into play as to whether or not I should carry on with the project.

In the end, I made my decision, gritted my teeth and clicked on the fanfics that I didn't want to write and deleted it from my folders, never looking back. I even logged into my account in FF.net and removed the fanfics in progress in my list, leaving only two that, to me, was worth continuing. My reviewers would probably start asking questions if they noticed it, but hopefully they wouldn't and, in time, forget about it.

Sigh...Sometimes I think my creative mind is a blessing and a curse...

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