Monday, April 21, 2008 | By: BlackGargie

My YeYe

I was browsing around my dear friend 's scrap gallery just for fun and I saw one of her artworks entitled Daddy Tua which brought me back fond memories about my own grandfather from my mom's side.

We youngster all called him YeYe (pronounced Yeah-Yeah), which means Grandpa in Mandarin. I have to admit, of all the relatives of my mom's side, besides my youngest auntie, he was my favourite. He may not be a mighty head hunter of sorts, but he definitely made a mark in the world.

He was one of the greatest artist ever known in Taiwan. He writes poems and short stories, and illustrates them, and he also illustrates other people's work.

When he was younger, he was a storyboard creator and a backdrop and background designer for many movies and stage theaters during his time. I guess that's how my mom's side of the family and I got my talents in art.

He was given the job opportunity to be in USA to join some of the most top animators in the field, but he declined for reasons still mysterious to me today. But then again, if I were to be born by my mom and some foreigner, I wouldn't have been with my sweetheart right now, so I guess I owe him that much.

When I was an exchange student in Taiwan, he taught me Chinese calligraphy and how to read and pronounce in proper Chinese, and I take pleasure into sneaking into his room from time to time and look through his stacks upon stacks of artworks, which also included those pretty Chinese stage opera masks he designed for stage performance during his time. They were a marvel to look and sometimes I could never get enough of them. He never really told me about his experiences like all reminiscing old geezers often do, but his keepsakes alone were enough to tell me his life stories. I bet he must've known and befriended a lot of veteran actors and actresses during his line of work when I come across some really really old Chinese movies shown on satelite TV.

He does have his funny sides. Whenever he and my grandmother bicker in that old husband and wife fashion, he would pretend to be distraught and wail, "Oh Lord, my wife is bullying me! She's gonna starve me to death! Woe is me!" and he would send me to peals of laughter everytime he does that, with my grandmother taking it in humorously and pretended to be offended and scold him some more. Another interesting thing was despite his age, he had a passion for wrestling, so whenever he gets the chance to hog the TV, he would switch it to the wrestling channel and watch huge bulky men and women battle it out in the ring.

He was never a well man throughout my years of knowing him. He had Parkinson's disease and died because of it. I often remember him walking around in very slow manner and his hand would involuntarily shake because of his disease, and often my grandmother had to help him with baths. He was always coughing up phlegm and falling asleep in odd hours of the day. Then his health soon deteriorated and had to be bedridden, but almost all the caretakers that were hired to look after him spoke of him still looking very beautiful even at his old age.

No one lives forever, and soon, when I was in 8th grade, he passed away in his sleep. During the funeral, many people came, and I got to meet all of my mom's siblings that were scattered across the world after marriage, including my eldest auntie and second uncle from France and my second auntie from USA and all my cousins. When we paid our last respects, I saw many people that I never knew, and one of them was a man in a smartly-dressed army suit saluting his altar. He must've been somewhat a war veteran as well to receive such honour.

My YeYe was cremated and his ashes kept on a shelf along with his black and white photo of his younger self. We would greet him every time we came over and paid our respects just like the Chinese tradition required it. We went into mourning for about 70 days with a black pad pinned onto our sleeve after his funeral, just like what the Chinese do.

Not a day goes by that I never thought my YeYe, and I do hope he forgives me for running out on my mother, because as much as I hate her, he had always been the apple of my eye.

Rest in peace, YeYe
Sunday, April 13, 2008 | By: BlackGargie

If Only They Knew...

I was babysitting my fiance's nephew the other day and played a little Playhouse Disney via satellite for him to keep occupied. All those Mickey Mouse and friends that were so toned down and domesticated, like "Let's find the missing key" when the key is pretty much obvious right under their noses or "What is the colour of that bird?" when it's already screaming Red, to be shown to little kids who probably knew more than what those characters offer just makes me laugh.

I'm not dissing Mickey and the gang or anything--hell, my fav Disney char is Goofy and Donald--but if they knew what I knew back then about the real life of Mickey Mouse, they'd think twice to create such a childish show that not even a toddler would want to watch

Back then, when I was a kid, I used to subscribe to a monthly Disney comic magazine. There, in this monthly mag, I see Mickey for who he really is: Not a saint, not an angel, not a know-it-all sweet boy who would allow anything happen to him without as much as a hint of anger. Here, Mickey and the gang are just like everyone else. He has feelings of happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, regret and all that in between.

He doesn't go around teaching children to look for lost treasure or name the colours of the rainbow. He does the real stuff, getting into all sorts of misadventures with either Goofy or Donald, helping the police and Chief O'Hara to solve crimes, bust bad guys, get beaten into a pulp and get mad at love rivals. He doesn't sugar-coat his words (although no swear words were involved) and he behaves just like any normal human being does.

Once I remember reading an issue where Mickey was totally bugged by Goofy who was in an 'old adage' or 'old sayings' mood and kept spouting quotes and old adages. It got to a point where Mickey actually tried to lash out at Goofy and tried to push him in the lake for his annoyance but Goofy, oblivious to the fact, luckily avoided him and ended up Mickey falling into the lake. Mickey was so pissed that he yelled at Goofy and blaming him for all the damages he caused, and said that he was "sick and tired of hearing old adages from you".

On the drive way home, they were stuck in traffic and Mickey actually made an illegal U-turn, ignoring Goofy's concern, thinking that he was trying to spout another old adage for him to hear. When he was stopped by the police, he grudgingly accepted the summon ticket and was fine with being reprimanded by the police, until the police spouted an old adage to him, which broke his circuits of patience.

I remember him screaming at the police, telling him to shut up, and jumping up and down on his driver seat, and the police immediately took that as an assault and hauled him into the police car. Isn't that interesting? If I told any kid about this today, I'm sure they would never see Mickey the same way again.

Not only Mickey, but also occasionally Goofy or Donald would get into their misadventures. Goofy would become Super Goof when he eats a bunch of special peanuts he keeps in his hat, and Donald would be in his foul jealous mood trying to keep his love rival Gladstone Gander from taking away his gf Daisy. There were issues where Donald moved down to try and live the life of Tarzan because he got tired of the city life, only to bring city into the jungle as his life was being commercialized on TV; or where Donald had to compete with Gladstone Gander and prove his innocence when he found out Gladstone was cheating on his life-saving contest (by dramatizing the contest with an accomplice dressed in a shark suit pretending to lunge for the victim) and Donald was accused for it. I remember he valiantly jumped into the sea to save Daisy when she fell in and bare-handedly beat off a REAL shark when Gladstone cowardly swam away from it.

These are almost real life situations. These are the things children today need to learn. They need to face the facts that children these days no longer can be as innocent as we used to back then, and not just only focusing on learning about shapes, letters and colours. They need a role model, not exactly just a teacher. They need to know the truth. They need to know that even though they are cartoon characters and cannot die, they are and should be emotionally of the same level as real people, not some angelic characters go parading about singing "London Bridge is Falling Down"

Seriously, if only they knew how true to the human nature their favourite characters were back then...
Tuesday, April 8, 2008 | By: BlackGargie

Music...Make Some People...Come Together...Yeah...

I've always had a passion for music. It is my second love aside from drawing. In fact, any chance I get to sing in a karaoke, I'd jump into it just to show off my singing talent. I know my singing still needs work, but who cares when you're having fun with the mike singing to your fav songs on the karaoke system? LOL

Today, on my way to work, my fiance and I were listening to the radio and it just so happen to be playing Vanessa Williams version of the Pocahontas soundtrack "Colours of the Wind". It felt rather nostalgic and brought me back to my grade school days. You can say it was the song that determined my singing talentI was sixth grade back then. There was a singing contest held in our school, but I was not interested in joining after I was reminded by a setback back in first grade when I tried to join the singing contest and my mother had strongly objected against it, telling me that it's a waste of my time and I should be studying instead. At least they've already chosen a class rep for this, so I don't feel that bad for not entering.

So there I was minding my own business coming into class that morning when suddenly our class monitor jumped to me and said, "Do you know the song of Pocahontas 'Colours of the Wind'?" I didn't think it mattered so I said yes. The class monitor gave me that relieved smile and said, "Good, you're representing us for the singing contest today."

I was like "WTF?? You're telling me this NOW?! Didn't you already have a rep?" She replied to me that their rep suddenly had cold feet and did not want to join no matter how they begged, bribed and dragged her to the school hall. The contest would start any moment and they were desperate, and since they said I had an agreeable voice, they opt me to be the next best thing to a class rep for the contest.

I was both thrilled and nervous at the same time. I finally get to enter the contest but what would my mother think of it? She would never believe that I was called in the last minute. She would think I've been planning this all along and used that last minute excuse to get out of it. I would definitely get a beating. So I tried to worm my way out of it.

"Well, I can't," I said. "It's too sudden, and I don't have anything to wear for it except the clothes on my back! Heaven forbids I cannot wear that class rep's costume. I'm too fat!"

"Don't worry," she said. "Just take off your glasses (I wore glasses back then) and put on my canvas jacket. That should cover the pinafore and that badge nicely."

No matter what, I couldn't worm my way out of it. Our class has always been looked up upon the rest and it was the class monitor's job to keep it that way. At least I was the last to perform, so I didn't have to worry about not being able to get ready. They were lucky I have the soundtrack and listen to it like almost everyday and memorised the lyrics by heart or else I wouldn't agree at all!

Someone else sang the same song also before me. She looked as if she was born for the stage. She was dressed for the occasion, with make-up and all, and it's no surprise she must've practiced at home a lot AND her mother was there to cheer her on. The way she sang was pretty good actually, but it seems like her style of singing was following Pocahontas style with a touch of her own. Many people clapped and cheered (including her mother) after she was done. I was breaking in cold sweat at the backstage wondering if I could sing as good as her

When it's finally my turn, I decided to say "Oh fuck it! Just sing and get it over and done with!" I went up stage and somehow as I began to sing, I began to lose myself into it. I was nervous at first when I felt dozens of eyes looking up at me and the judges scrutinizing me, but as I went along, they don't really seem to matter. I realized that unlike the previous contestant who had practiced probably weeks before this contest and singing with her own flair, I sang almost 100% Vanessa Williams style, with the highs and lows and the tremble in the voice like Vanessa Williams did whenever she sang, and a little last-minute go-with-the-flow body language to match. I dunno, I must've been dreaming when I was singing that I didn't even know myself probably

After that, when everything is finally over, we've got the results. Shockingly, I actually won! Me against someone singing the same song who probably had more learning experience and I won! Shocking, isn't it? I went home and told the good news to my mother, who of course looked at me with skeptical eyes about me saying that I joined it at the last minute by desperate people, but when her colleague and her students (back then, my mom used to partner with her colleague to open a tuition class at home) heard of it and praised me and my mom, my mom, who treasure face-value above all others, decided to accept my reason of joining and gloat about my success. Typical mom, but at least I got away from a possible scolding and beating

Since then, I guess my mom was OK with me singing and flaunt me every chance she get when she and her gal pals went to karaoke, bringing me along (which ended up making me start drinking at the age of 12), and I knew where my second talent lies
Friday, April 4, 2008 | By: BlackGargie

It's Out! It's Out! EEEEEE~~!!!

I know I'm being very spastic right now, and I figure it may be old news to some of you, but I just gotta let it out.OK, here goes... *takes deep breath*

GAH~!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!! DEATH NOTE 3: L CHANGE THE WORLD IS OUT! IT'S OUT! IT'S FINALLY OUT~~~~!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!! *fangirl's squeal*

There, I said it.

Seriously I was in a spastic mood when I was browsing through the movie sections of the newspaper and they were showing sneak previews of Death Note 3: L Change the World. Too bad my fiance was having an expo, so he couldn't take me watch it, but he promised after the expo (10 more days to go) he will take me to watch it ASAP.

Gah! Ever since I saw the official trailer in YouTube, I've been looking forward to it all the time. I was surprised to see some of the singers from the group Happatai (you know the ones singing YATTA! with a green leaf underwear) also playing a role in this movie.

For those who don't know, it's a spin-off Death Note which takes place between after the death of Raito and L's real death. Remember in the Death Note 2: The Last Name, L wrote his own name in the Death Note that he would die peacefully in 23 days? In this spin-off, L was presented a case during the countdown of his 23 days and he had to solve it within that time limit. Also involved a little of Death Note, conspiracy theories, possible government and scientific experiment involvement and a kid who can kill with just a word. Well, that's how I understand from the trailer

Yaaaaaaaaaaa~~~~~~~!!!!!!!! I just can't wait to watch it~~~~!!!!
Thursday, April 3, 2008 | By: BlackGargie

Religious Thoughts

I've been rather quizzical lately about the whole Christianity thing. Not that I have anything bad to say about it, but it would definitely take things off my shoulder just to voice out my opinion.

I have watched The Da Vinci Code with my boyfriend and I have to say, although I haven't read the book yet, it is definitely a movie that delivers. It is quite fun to assume a lot of things just through one painting and certainly raise questions about our beliefs and all. I also watched the Da Vinci Code documentary in National Geograpic and Da Vinci: Declassified in Discovery Channel, showing how Dan Brown's theory about Jesus being married and all can or cannot be justified. Rather an interesting fact, but it does raise the question: Is it possible?

What I've deduced so far throughout my viewings of the Da Vinci Code is that if whatever Dan Brown has written is fictional, and they KNOW it's fictional, why do they want to go through all the trouble to prove that it is fictional? I mean, my boyfriend said that even Dan Brown put a disclaimer in fine print saying that whatever he wrote was fictional, and in National Geographic, Dan Brown himself said that he was just embellishing facts and info that he had studied before writing his novel. The Roman Catholics went into such an uproar for something that is made up and go to public press to denounce the book and go through all that kind of boycott and stuff over something that is totally fake. I mean, if they knew that it was fake, they could just ignore it and let it go away by itself. Like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, it's just one of those novel phase that gets people hooked for a while and then soon forgotten, so why the big fuss about trying to prove that this story is fake when everyone knows it's fake? I've seen in the Da Vinci: Declassified that to some extent, people are starting to believe Dan Brown's theory and began to think broader, and it does seemed rather discerning for the Roman Catholics, but like I said, it's just a phase, and it WILL go away eventually and the truth will be found sooner or later if they just let the public investigate on their own, so why the fuss? Why go through so much trouble trying to tell people not to believe what Dan Brown had written? The only answer to this question is clear: that they have something to hide.

Why do I say that the RC have something to hide? Take the documentaries I've watched in National Geographic for example. They have come up with the theme 'Secret Bible Week', that I'm sure stemmed from the hot issue of Da Vinci Code, and I've learnt a lot about coverups and stories behind the stories. Not that I have anything against the Roman Catholics (my boyfriend is an RC), though I'm a Protestant, but I have to say that Roman Catholics back then definitely have tons to hide. I recently watched a documentary under the Secret Bible Week about the Gospel of Judas, where I've learnt about the Gnostics and their beliefs. Just in case you haven't watch this, it talked about archeologists discovering other gospels that were not mentioned in the Bible and kept in an Egyptian library named the 'Nag Hammadi', or something like that. In there, there were more than just the 4 gospels we've learnt in the Bible (Mark, Matthew, Luke and John). There was the gospel of Timothy, the gospel of Simon, and even the gospel of Mary Magdelene!

But the biggest topic was the gospel of Judas, the guy who betrayed Jesus. After much salvaging, the archeologist finally was able to piece together the gospel that said Judas was the closest to Jesus and knew Him more than the rest of the disciples combined. And turned out that Judas had never meant to betray Jesus. He loved Jesus more than life itself and he knew Jesus for who He truly is. According to a passage in the gospel saying that 3 days before the Last Supper, when Peter was giving thanks to the food, Jesus laughed at their actions and it annoyed the disciples. Turns out that Jesus was laughing at them because He find it funny that they were worshipping a false God. To him, a real God cannot be defined as the Creator of the World or the Father of all beings or anything in between. God is so great that there's is nothing in the world that could possibly describe Him because He is way beyond anything than you can imagine. His power is undescribable and there is no one who can simply name him or put a figure to him, and that's what Jesus was trying to say to his disciples: that they're worshipping a false God.

When Jesus saw His disciples looking mad, He asks, "Why do you look so mad? If those who are strong enough, stand up before Me to receive My word (I think that's what He said)." All the disciples claim that they are strong enough, but no one stood except Judas. Judas said something like "I am strong enough to receive Your word, Rabbi, and I know from whom You really came and I dare not and am not worthy of saying His name." Jesus saw that as Judas spoke, he was worthy, because he dare to stand before Him yet was humble enough not to look directly at Him because he knew who he was up against, so Jesus whispered to his ear saying something like "Move away from your companions, and I shall reveal to you a world so wonderful that no angel has ever set eyes before."
As the passage continued, it said that Judas walked after Jesus to a secluded area and Judas told Jesus about a dream he had: about Jesus' other disciples stoning and cursing him to death. Jesus then told him that he will be the most respected and highly exalted of all disciples, and when the time is right, secure him as the highest among angels, but in turn he had to suffer the most. He ended his explanation of Judas' dream by saying, "Judas, you will betray the Son of Man." Judas didn't think the idea of betraying Jesus was his cup of tea, but Jesus told him that one day, his star would shine the brightest and would lead the other stars into salvation, or something like that, and then Judas knew what he had to do in order to fulfill Jesus' premonition. So, according to the Gospel of Judas, Judas betrayed Jesus not because he wanted to, but he was asked by Jesus to do so.

I can't say that there is or isn't any truth to this gospel as there were so many other gospels that go in account with the Nag Hammadi, but one thing was for sure, that no one knew about this cover-up until the mention of Dan Brown's novel and the mention of Emperor Constantine deciding what should be or shouldn't be appropriate in the Bible. If the RC was able to cover up this vital information about other gospels besides the four main gospels in the Bible, what else did the RC have hidden behind our backs?

Not only that, there is a question raised in National Geographic about Jesus' marital status: Is He really single as mentioned in the Bible or could he be married? The documentary states that it was a weird thing for a Jew to remain single, unless you're a priest or a nun or whatever, and Jesus was the son of a carpenter, born in a regular Jew comminuty, which verifies that every Jew is at least married regardless if they have children or not. Even a normal Jew rabbi is married, so why can't Jesus? It would definitely be questionable for a Jew not to be married, let alone Jesus. And in many historical accounts, the mention of Mary Magdelene was abundant, and in many cases, even in the Gnostic or Nag Hammadi mentioned, and the Bible even, that revealed intimacy between Jesus and Mary Magdelene, especially in one issue in the Nag Hammadi where Jesus often kissed Mary in the mouth, or even in the Bible where when Jesus was raised from the dead, Mary was the first person to go visit his tomb and wanted to hold Jesus before Jesus told her "Do not cling on me" when it was morally sinful for a woman to touch a man when she is not married to him. We never knew that either until the mention of Dan Brown's novel and the mention of this possible relationship between Jesus and Mary, so the possibility of Jesus having a descendant is not too far-fetched when you come to think of it. That's why I say that they have something to hide when they tried to announce Dan Brown's novel as fake. I mean, going through all that trouble just to denounce something? Definitely something fishy going on behind this.

Honestly speaking, I don't think there would be anything different if the RC were to leave the issue alone and let it subside by itself. Dan Brown's novel, like LOTR, had boost the tourism industry and broaden the knowledge of the public to want to know more about the truth behind the novel. And they WILL find the truth eventually without even needing others to tell them that Dan Brown's story is fake. Common sense speaking, we DO know that it's fake, but what if there is truth to some extent behind Dan Brown's research that fueled this novel? So why do they need to make such a big thing about something everyone knows is fake? Silly, isn't it?

So the question still remains: Is everything we know about Jesus and his personal life real, or is there something else behind it? And is the RC trying to cover up something for their own personal status?
And another thing about this issue is that I've been following up on plenty religous documentaries, one which really sparked my interest: it's about the documentary on the lost tomb of Jesus. I'm not sure if you have watched or heard of it but the show talked about this archealogist has discovered that back in 1984, a couple of kids had found a family tomb that housed about 10 ossuaries that dated 2000 years ago, and after extensive research and interviewing those involved, they have come up with pretty much concrete evidence of it belonging to the family of Jesus, including the fact that one of the ossuaries belonged to Jesus and that there is a possibility that Mary Magdalene COULD be Jesus' wife and they actually have a child together. And also the fact that John IS Jesus' blood brother based on the fact that when they found 9 instead of the supposed 10 ossuaries and linked it to the person who bought the tomb and raised so many controversy. Then when the archaelogists found the place where the ossuaries used to be and had the placed opened and examined, someone from the historic archealogy department suddenly showed up for no particular reason because they have received a phonecall from one of the tenants of the apartment where the tomb was nearby and they wanted them to stop and seal the place back up. The problem is the tomb was sealed on request of the tenants because it was left open and unattended where the department never really bothered to look into or study in the first place, and that the tenants were OK with the archealogists excavating it and gave them the permission to do so, yet the department said that they have no authority to allow permission of access to the tomb, nor does the landlord for that matter. Regardless the archaelogist had a warrant or not, they will not and simply REFUSED to allow them to continue excavation and soon the tomb was sealed back again without able to show any more further secrets of it.

So what does this tell us? Does that mean there is some truth after all from what we've been reading and seeing in Da Vinci Code and all the other documentaries? Does that mean there really is a cover-up of sort? Someone pretending to be a tenant to watch over the place and counted on the other tenants' ignorance to leave the tomb alone and look out for the real experts and keep them away? What does this mean then? Is the Jesus we know mortal? Is the part about the Jesus rising from the dead even plausible? I'm not trying to deny the truth of the Bible and all that, but based on the evidence, if Jesus did rise from the dead and all that, they should've found the cloth that wrapped him in and everything in the tomb where he was said to have been buried, not in a family tomb so far away in Jerusalem where His ossuari clearly carved the name 'Jesus son of Joseph' on it and His bone remains. Experts say (based on that documentary) that Jesus may have been buried where His ressurection would take place, waited for a while before taking his body away for proper burial like a respected Jew ritual and tradition. If so, what about the part where the Bible said there were Roman soldiers guarding the tomb so that the wise men can prevent Jesus' followers from taking the body and fulfill the prophecy of Jesus' resurrection? What about that?

I've watching so many documentaries and saw so much cover up, and I have seen many, many miracles performed by other religions like the Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus. And I also discovered that much of the Quran the Muslims read refer a lot to the Old Testament of the Bible. Has anyone ever thought it? I know there are plenty of miracles performed under the Christianity, but what about the miracles performed by other religions? Are we to condemn those, even though we know that one way or another their teaching have a rather close relation to Christianity?
In other words, are we actually exposed to right thing? Are we actually learning what we're supposed to, or is there a story behind a story?

This is just my opinion. I apologize if you find it offensive, but I'm just trying to get everything straight
Wednesday, April 2, 2008 | By: BlackGargie

My Love Life Rambles


I spent my lunch hour with one of my seniors back in university today and we spoke of the good ol uni life, digging out all sorts of dirt from our past to share with each other.Then we suddenly spoke of our love lives back when we were in our younger teenage years (God, it makes me feel so old!) with all the escapades of love and heartbreaks, then I began to remember all the guys I used to date and love before, and those who actually like me before I'm with my fiance right now.

Here's the list:

3rd grade: A Taiwanese boy whom I liked towards the lower half of my studies as an exchange student in Taiwan. He was very nice to me, always borrowing me things that I don't have. Even shared glasses with me when my eyesight started to fail and I couldn't see the blackboard. It was a little one-sided though, and we broke it off as mere friendship after my exchange student program ended

1st to 6th grade: A boy named Wilkins Lim who has been my long time childhood friend. Technically we were branded a couple when he confessed that he wanted to marry me and have kids with me when we were both in 1st grade, but after I went off to Taiwan as an exchange student when I was in 3rd grade, the feeling began to drift away. When I came back in 4th grade and saw him again after being half a year away from my home country, the old flame was rekindled again, but sadly his puppy love for me diminished as well. It soon became an unrequited love as he rather hang out with other girls than me, even though we sat together. I tried to direct my attention to other boys, but he always came back to me, and the fact that I still put faith in him returning my feelings, but after graduating from primary school, he revealed to me through casual talk that "We will always be friends even though we're no longer together". That pretty much answered my question about whether he ever loved me or not.

4th to 6th grade (while I was sulking at Wilkins' loss of interest to me): A boy named Christopher Kia who I used to have a crush on. He's a year younger than me and he has that really nice Eurasian look. He was a big fan of my drawings and often present me with an unused exercise book for me to draw stories for him during tuition class, while contributing some of his ideas as well. I don't know how I got attached to him, but I knew he elevated in my heart from being a little brother to a crush. He was more of a rebound, actually, after I realized Wilkins never liked me like he used to. I revealed to him my true feelings and he started avoiding me, even stopped talking to me and sat far away from me during tuition class. My heart broke when he finally stopped coming to tuition class altogether even though after I confessed to him, I never bothered him with that subject ever again

High School: A boy from a neighbouring school who came to our school as a participant for our debate contest. He was from an all-boys' school and I was told by my friends that he had the hicks for me. I did not believe it at first but when they took me along to watch his match with another participating school and introduced him to me, I was convinced and my face have never gone redder and my heart have never been thumping any faster. We exchanged numbers and decided to give it a try, but it seemed that he wasn't really into the relationship because he never really called or anything. We broke it off quietly when I stopped calling him and soon forgot we ever had this relationship going

A-Levels (Beginning of the year): A boy who is my senior whom I find very cute during my first years of A-Level. He has this really bad boy look and had shoulder-length hair (almost like Prof. Snape) and dyed his front hair like the elder brother of Moffatts. (LOL). I confessed my crush to him by going into his class with a card and a bar of Vochelle chocolate (I know! Pathetic isn't it?), tapped him on the shoulder, passed it to him and made a dash out of the classroom as fast as possible. We became the talk of the senior classes, and were rather embarassed, especially when we come across each other in the hallway. In fact I was so embarassed I couldn't approach him to even apologize for that stupid act I pulled. We broke it off when he graduated from A-Levels, but he did consent to take a picture with me during the graduation ceremony. That was the closest I have ever gotten to him though...

A-Levels (In the middle of my first year): Jonathan Anthony Willie who is the same year as me. I had a crush on him since I started studying in A-Levels, but didn't pay attention to this feeling (coz I was busy crushing over my senior) until we were in the same club under the Student Council Committee. He was a very down-to-earth person who is rather hard to crack a joke with, and somehow I made it my life's work to try and get him to at least smile a little. Until one day when I revealed a rather terrible role I had to play for the school skit, he burst out laughing like I've never seen before, and my heart immediately blossomed with both triumph and love. I pined for him almost everyday, but my love went unrequited when I discovered he was dating my classmate. I get angry and jealous everytime I see them together and probably went into a little bit of "Helga Pataki" mode. I finally couldn't handle it anymore and confessed to him, but he apologized gently and told me he couldn't return my feelings, which made it hard for me to hate him. I still think of him from time to time, and wonder if things would've been different if I was evil enough to sabotage their relationship, but unfortunately I'm not, so...

A-Level (In my senior years): Jonathan Mark David, who was the only official first boyfriend I've ever had throughout my whole love life. He was my junior. At first I admired him for his unique quality and his high knowledge in the anime field. Then somehow that admiration turned to crush, then to love. I confessed to him during the school camp night and we officially became lovers. But somehow, as I got to know him, I noticed that he was still very, VERY immature when it comes to feelings of the heart. His first love was always anime and we never really gotten further than holding hands. We never even had our first kiss together! And we never dated for real! Would you believe that? I realized that I was the one making all the effort and not him. I broke it off with him (kinda like since I started it, might as well end it) during graduation and got wasted with my friends to drown my sorrows

Later on, as I moved on with my life in university, I had a few crushes here and there, but I've learnt my lesson about confessing my feelings to anyone. I realized it never worked whenever I made the first move, so I decided to stop being that way and let nature take its course.The ones who actually genuinely like often end up being rather odd, eccentric or just plain weird. I have an African friend who has a crush on me just because I was being nice and friendly to him. Well, he has this disability where he was born with a speech impediment and loose lower lip, so no one really is able to understand what he's talking and prefer to shy away from him. I made the effort to befriend him, and honestly it's not too hard to understand; you just need to listen harder and filter out all the unnecessary gags he makes in his speech, although it's a little hard sometimes when he talks to me on the phone, but I learn to cope with it. It was after he decided to transfer to another uni that I heard from my classmate that he actually has a crush on me, just because I was nice to him. I never meant for us to go any further. We were just friends! I treated him just as a friend! Nothing else! Where did he get the vibe that I like him? LOL!

Another guy named Eugene was an eccentric and loves furries like I love yaoi. He's a crazy furry freak who acts like the world is his oyster and couldn't bothered whether people like what he's doing or not and thinks him weird. I wouldn't call him weird though. I'd call him eccentric and probably lack a little of reservation when it comes to the things he likes. I had to remind him constantly that not everyone likes furries, but I guess I was the only one that tolerates his obsessions, since he tolerated mine. He was always nice to me and granted every of my whim and fancy, including treating me for lunch whenever I'm broke and even give me rides home. When I introduced my fiance to him when my fiance came over to our uni carnival, he didn't really hit off with him very well. Probably because they were both jealous at each other. My friend revealed to me (he was her brother's gf's brother) that during a dinner conversation, he voiced his dissatisfaction over my relationship with my fiance and felt in his gut that he was not the right man for me, and when my friend probed him, he bashfully replied that he did have a crush on me.

How weird is that? I mean, when I confess to someone I like, they run off like I was a ghost, but when I don't make effort to do anything, they come running to me like I'm a sex goddess! Odd. Maybe because no one liked them and me being their unjudging friend made them feel special, thus the feelings for me.

I'll tell you about how I got my current beau and fiance...some other time... ;p