Wednesday, December 19, 2007 | By: BlackGargie

Just for Fun

There's a sort of game going on Deviant Art where you illustrate your life with songs. It was interesting so I gave it a try.

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie.

Opening Credits:Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz

Birth:Zettai ni Daremo by Zyyg (Slam Dunk theme)

First day at school:Smack That by Akon ft. Eminem

Falling in Love:Listen by Beyonce Knowles (Dreamgirls song)

Fight Song:D-Technolife by UVERworld

Breaking Up:One Night Only by Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls song)

Prom:I Write Sins not Tragedies by Panic at the Disco

Life:Love Again by Cascada

Mental Breakdown:That Thing You Do by I-Dun-Have-Their-Name

Driving:Carwash by Christina Aguilera ft. Missy Elliot (I didn't cheat! Honest!)

Flashback:The Dream is Still Alive by Wilson Phillips

Wedding:Everytime by Britney Spears

Birth Of Child:Dogfight by Move (Initial D)

Final Battle:The One by Backstreet Boys

Death Scene:Call Me When You're Sober by Evanescence

Funeral:Bari Bari Saikyou #1 by Feel So Bad (Jigoku Sensei Nube OP)

Ending Credits:Iris by Goo Goo Dolls

Pretty interesting, no?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007 | By: BlackGargie

Dreams

Getting a lot of weird dreams lately these days. Sometimes it's a jumble of nonsense, sometimes it's like a story or a movie or something and I'm one of the characters in it. Some dreams get so vivid they end up into night terrors. My boyfriend's been rather concerned about my night terrors because they would make me whimper in the middle of the night like a lost puppy and would worry him to death. There was one incident where my night terror got so intense, I cried in my sleep. And when he tried to wake me up from my night terrors, he told me that I burst into tears and cried like there was something wrong with me or whatnot. It really got him worried.

I guess it's because I've been keeping a lot of pent-up feelings within me and behind my smiley, cheerful exterior that it finally exploded and caught up with me. After all, they say that dreams are your subconscious mind working. There was once I dreamt of something so vivid (no night terrors though), like my anger was up to the max, that when I woke up, I could still feel the anger within burning inside me and my fists was numb from clenching. It was a fury I've never felt before... Maybe I should see a shrink or something.

I guess sometimes dreams can even manifest itself into reality. I've heard of such cases before and it was really frightening. There was one time I was sleeping, just trying to get some shut eye before my final exam, and when I was slightly half-awake, I felt something pressing against my back. At first I thought it was my pillow falling against me, and when I tried to push it away, instead of the feeling of a soft pillow, I felt a pair of wet lips, then the feeling of pressing against my back got worse. It didn't stop until at least a few moments before my alarm clock went off. It was so freakin' scary. Luckily I managed to push that memory away as I was caught in the exam, but all in all, after thinking about it again, it was still scary. Told that to my boyfriend and he got worried too. Manifestations are rare but not uncommon and I didn't expect it to happen to me~! Spooky~!

Damn!

Speaking of night terrors, I think I got issues.

You know why I said that?

Coz of my night terrors.

Remember my previous blog entitled 'Rants' where I talked about my mother and how terrible she had treated me and all that. Well, it seems as if the past continues to haunt me even though I've already left here and severed ties with her.

You see, lately I've been having these really terrible night terrors where I would end up screaming and thrashing in my sleep, and I can never wake up out of it unless my bf shakes me out of it.

I remember some of the night terrors that involved my mother in it where she's still there, haunting me and taunting me and torturing me. And while I try to hit out at her or defend myself, it is reflected into my body and I'll be thrashing and whining in my sleep. My bf had woken up countless times because of me and had to calm me down. There was once where I dreamt my mother tried to strangle me just like the day I tried to leave the house and I found myself banging my fists wildly onto the bed before I hear my bf calling me, "Dear, dear, wake up. Judith, dear, please, wake up"

The last time I had a night terror was the worst. I couldn't remember what it was and when I asked my bf what happened and what stupid thing I did or say this time and he just shook his head and said, "It's just a nightmare. Don't worry about it", but I knew it was something serious. Then I heard from his sister who was at the scene as well said that I was screaming bloody murder and thrashed my arms so hard I slammed it against the wall, saying that I was shouting "Where is Joe?" and "I'll kill you like I killed her, that bitch". Yeah something like that

Although the night terrors now have subsided quite a while, they still appear from time to time, and it's kinda worrying.

You think I got issues?

Rants

I must've posted tons in one day, but I'm more of a "Post it when I feel like it" kind of person, so when I feel like posting a lot, expect many posts per day.

Neways, bear with me, it's going to be long, I know, but I just feel like ranting after watching a couple of home movies about family and domestic abuse and such.

Sigh...Have you ever wished your love life was like a fairytale whereby the prince sweeps you off your feet after rescue you, the damsel in distress, then fight of the ultimate evil person that tries to destroy your life for some corny your-existence-changes-the-course-of-history reason, then finally live happily ever after? Or maybe even like those drama series or Japanese manga where there are trials in your lovelife but in the end both of you pull through? I wished that could happen to me...

It's been almost 2 years since I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend Joe. We celebrated our 1st anniversary rather nicely, with him giving me a Nightmare Before Christmas wallet, a necklace and a bouquet of flowers. They were both my anniversary and birthday gift, coz our anniversary falls on 22nd of February (222, easy to remember, eh?) and my birthday is on 28th of January (same as Nick Carter's birthday~!).

Why the bulk gift-giving when we're lovers and can meet anytime we want? Sigh...It's a long story, really. You see, when Joe's cousin Jack introduced him to me, everything was fine. We had our talks, we had our chats and get-to-know-each-other times, we fell in love, my mother approved of him...everything was going swimmingly. It was like a fairytale when Joe pursued me, because usually I'm the one pursuing (in vain) the man of my dreams, and I was the one who confessed my feelings towards my ex-boyfriend before we broke up because he's just not at the right age and mindset to express feelings of love (in other words, not mature enough), and actually being pursued was something new to me.

Until that fateful day when my parents asked us out to dinner.

During the dinner, it was clearly stated by my dad (well, he's not reli my dad, more like a godfather who is also my mother's boyfriend) that we can feel free to order whatever we want, so we're doing exactly as we're told, but then my mom got upset because Joe ordered food without asking permission when my dad said otherwise. Then her point of view towards Joe started steering towards the bad side, complaining from the way he dress to the job he's doing to the unconventional family background he has...Everything she could find fault from, she did, and she made it into such a big deal that she forbid us from ever being lovers again.

I got lots of lashing out by my mom for that (whenever she doesn't get her way, violence managed to sneak into her arms and feet) and suffered a lot both physically and mentally because of me insisting in staying onto the relationship. Although she now currently allows to be "only friends", it's clear that she just doesn't like having him around, and gets disgusted whenever we're holding hands or close to each other, when previously she had no problem with it. Which is why we had no choice but to meet secretly whenever she's not around, thus the bulk gift-giving everytime we meet.

Sigh...I know my mother sometimes does things for my own good, but I'm 22 now, and I'm not a child anymore. I need to make my own decisions about my future life and she can't baby and control me anymore. If my choice is wrong, then I'm prepared to meet with the consequences without regrets, but it seems that the right to make my own choices was taken away from me because of her. When Joe saw the bruises and wounds I sustain from many fights over this issue with my mother, he got angry and wanted to confront her, and it took me many pleas and begs to convince him not to do anything stupid. Jack said I should be patient and ride it out until I graduate, and by then, he'll have his ways of backing me up. I do appreciate it, but I fear for his safety, and of Joe's. I don't mind taking in all the beating (been through that my entire life), and I treasure friendship above anything else. The last thing I want happen is my friends and my sweetheart getting hurt and becoming collateral damage for my problems.

Come to think of it, my love life pretty much represents a drama of its own: me and Joe being the victim of love, my mother as the perpetrator and Jack and his buddies taking our side while others taking my mother's side without even seeing the truth behind her accusations about Joe... Yeah, I guess it is a drama by itself...

How I wish I'm stronger than this...

There's been a lot going on since then until finally something changed for the better, and, well, let's put this in one story I'm gonna tell...

Life in campus was alright and everything. Managing studies, the club and exams was tiring but challenging and fun. Done a lot of crazy activities last year, receiving just enough publicity to last us till this new semester's new batch of possible club members. Then it was moving to a new area because my mother's officially retired and needs to lead an easy life and all that, and then it's the getting ready for the new semester where I have to possibly face another hard day's work of studies, exams and club functions.

Then it all started when my mother settled into Miri with me. At first it was going along slightly fine (bearing her temper and all that, which I'm pretty much used to) with the moving and arranging of rooms and everything, then slowly we began to have intolerable differences with each other. She started again with her yelling and lashing out and I, as usual, have to endure them almost everyday because she managed to find fault in everything almost everyday. Bruises and sores attained from her lashing were inevitable. Luckily my friends, who were staying back for summer course, were there for me whenever I need to pour out my heart or vent out my feelings, and my bf Joe was just a call away, and they all told me to hang in there and finish my semesters before I can finally just put it straight to her that I am going to lead my own life no matter what she says or does, but the problem is I was doing fine without her when she was working in Brunei and I'm studying in Miri. No problems, no nothing. If we can't even get along for two months, how is one semester gonna be?

Then finally the worse happened. It was when we were having a perfectly normal conversation when everything went wrong. She was asking me a question and I replied her, but because she did not hear me clearly, she assumed that I did not reply her and I repeated my answer a little louder. Then she thought me raising my voice was rude and I explained the reason why I raised my voice. She suddenly got angry and said that I did not reply her the first time and started throwing things at me, forcing me to admit that I did not reply her. I stood my ground and she repeatedly threw things at me and hit me like there was no tomorrow.

Finally I lost my cool and screamed at her to stop hitting me, which made the lashing even worse. I didn't care if the neightbours were hearing me or not, I just continue screaming and pushing her away to stop. Then she started bringing back the past about how bad my real father was and that I was the exact replica of him, then talking bad again about my bf, and other things that I've already heard thousands of times throughout my life. Everytime I put my view point, she told me not to raise my voice (which I had to if I want myself heard) and rebuke me, not even giving my viewpoint a second glance. When I saw that there was no point trying to argue with her, I grabbed the keys and wanted to step out of the house, but she blocked the door and kept forcing me to go back to my room. I didn't take this lying down. I fought and screamed and stood my ground, not letting her get the better of me. I refuse to return the keys to her unless she let me leave. Seeing she couldn't get me to budge, she knelt down in front of me and apologize and said she couldn't live without me and all that crap. I wasn't buying it. She wanted me to forgive her and give her another chance, but I told her I've given her too many chances throughout these 20 years and I won't stand for it anymore. She even threatened to kill herself and kill me in order to make me stay but I didn't care. She can die all she wants but she can't drag me into it. Many times I tried to head to the door, but I have to admit, she was physically much stronger than me. She even headlock me to try and strangle me, for goodness sake! How could you call that a mother?

Finally I couldn't stand it. I locked myself in the room and called for Jack to help. When he came over and I tried to open the door, my mother slammed the door and had a knife in her hand, saying that she'll slit her wrist if I dare to step outside. He finally managed to come in and tried to talk to her, but she was not making talk any easier, and there was something about her he couldn't trust. She tried unsuccessfully to hide the knife and made an excuse, but Jack's wiser than that. He took me out for dinner and called my bf to come over the next morning to settle things. When I came home, my mother still wanted to blab even though I told her to put the issue till tomorrow because we're both tired, and she kept me up all night till 6.30 in the morning just because she was so upset she couldn't sleep, blabbing all the way which began to sound very reptitive.

The next day (or more like after I finally got to sleep all the way till noon), she woke me up and I found my bf there who had done talking with her. He said he wanted to make amends and want things back to be the way it used to be, with him in the picture. I was disappointed at first because I saw myself in a losing battle where my bf has fallen for her manipulative words. Then my mother asked him to wait outside while we talk things through, but again, she's being repetitive and not want to let the subject go. My bf, when asked back in again, asked why is it she want to prolong the argument, she got all defensive and retaliated by saying, "What argue? I'm just telling things to my daughter. What argue? What do you mean by argue?"

My bf knew then that I was right: there was no point trying to argue with her. Then when my mother ordered me to go freshen up and get cleaned, he didn't like the tone of voice she's using on me and got angry with her, shouting at the top of his voice. I was shocked. I have never seen his temper before and for a moment I was afraid and torn. I was very scared and afraid that things would get out of hand, and my mother suddenly came between us when he suggested he take me back to his home in Brunei for both of us to cool down, refusing to let me go. He took my hand and started a tug of war with my mom, with me hiding behind my bf. My bf told me to go to his car and wait for him, and he told my mother that he was going to take me away for a few days, and ended with a "Take it or leave it" and drove me off.

When we related this news to Jack once we're in his house, Jack revealed to us that there had been things that are far serious about my mother than just mere retirement, things that I didn't even know of (things better left unsaid here for I cannot confirm the truth), and that it's too dangerous for me to go back. He said she needs help, real help, and that I should start anew and no longer stand for her insolence anymore.

I really have to say, this is finally an escape from Hell...

I was so PWNED!

I took a trip to the arcades on Thu Oct 11, 2007 and I saw my favourite games of all games in there: The Dance Dance Revolution machine! It's been a while since I played, and I know I'd get rusty, but I decided to try it anyways. It was the Dance Dance 5th Mix, with kinda tough songs in it and tougher dance moves, but I was up to the challenge. I have to admit, I can only dance in Basic Level, but who cares? It's all about having fun, right? There were a few boys present playing their games while their friends watch on and I'd decided to show off what a girl can do.

First song I picked was my all time favourite. It's a Japanese song with Salsa music in it and the moves were kinda hard, but I danced through it like I owned the machine. Next song was entitled "Dadariram" or something like that, and I totally OWNED that song. I could hear a lot of 'wows' and 'oohs' as I can feel eyes looking at me in wonder, and I was glowing with confidence. To spice it up more, I ended the game with two songs that were pretty quick. I almost jumped around like a monkey, but it was cool as I managed to get at least B for an overall result.

I got off the machine, satisfied to see many boys looking at me admiringly. That was when a small punk came up to the machine to play it also, and I was thinking, "Hah, try topping me on that!"

I was so shocked when he started flipping through the songs and picked the Maniac dance level. With one hand on the supporter, he pratically danced like it was nobody's business, jumping here and there without a twitch on his face. All the songs he picked were Maniac level and it was almost as if his feet never touched the ground. My reaction was an immediate as he finished the game with ease and all attention was on him.After he ended the game, he just looked at me with a Doumeki (from XXXHolic) plus Rukawa (from Slam Dunk) smug on his face and his eyes were saying, "You are so PWNED" even though he didn't say a word.

I admit...I was so PWNED!!!

I Feel So Loved~!

Thinking about our upcoming 3rd anniversary next year on the Feb 22nd, I feel so loved right now...

He he, wanna know why?

Well, it all started when we were invited to an open house at our newly wed Royal Couple's place on Sat, Oct 20. Technically speaking, my bf's boss was invited to the open house as a token of appreciation for his help in videoing and handling the IT department during his wedding (for Bruneians I'm sure you know the newly wed Royal Couple recently this year), but since his boss went off to a business trip, he sent a rep to take his place, ie my bf and his colleague. It's an open invitation thing, so they were allowed to bring their gf along. So I came along.

I wore the best Malay dress I could find (well, actually it was the only Malay dress I had) which was a red Baju Kurung that I got from my bf's eldest sister when she wanted to get rid of her old clothes. It didn't bother me that it's a hand-me-down. I enjoy hand-me-down, saves money.

Anyways, yesterday finally came and we were all set to go for the open house as soon as we got off work. It was quite a long journey and I actually fell asleep due to the heatwave, but we made it there anyways. I met my bf's colleague's gf, and she was actually quite pretty in her Malay dress he claimed she designed it herself, and thought that if she were to be brought up in a Western society, she would look reli nice in goth. That's what impression I got from her.

There weren't much cars, so it indicates that only certain people such as immediate family were invited. When we went in, we were greeted by the host himself, the husband (for those non-Bruneians, he's not a Prince, but he is still of royal blood leniage, which made him eligible to marry the Princess), and were led to the dining room where the food were. It was buffet style as usual, and the food looked simple enough, but I guess being in a royal home makes the simplest food taste so much better. We tucked in and even had second helpings. The desserts were pretty good.

We later decided to spare a few words to the host before we leave when we met one of my bf's close friend of the family who was also invited to the open house. He said if we wanted we could actually get a glimpse of the Princess who is entertaining other guests inside the house. I was excited! To be able to meet and touch the Princess personally! There's no way I'd stand up to that chance. When we went into the guest room, she was there, very pretty with au naturalle makeup and in blue Malay dress. We waited in line to greet her, and when it was my turn, I managed to see her up close and personal, and I actually shook hands with her! WEEEEEEEEEE~!!!! I was so excited, I wished I didn't have to wash my hand ever again, but that's of course weird.

But that wasn't the main reason I feel loved.It was because when my bf and his colleague introduced us to the friend of the family who ushered us to meet the Princess, while his colleague introduced his gf as his gf, my bf introduced me to him as his FIANCE! I've been elevated from GF to FIANCE! I was quite shocked at first as I smile and shook the family friend's hand, and was kinda worried he might spread it to other ppl since he's quite an important person and all and everyone might know especially when we haven't exactly tied the knot or announced it to his parents, but after I got over the initial shock, I felt all warm and fuzzy all over because now I was sure that he is willing to have me in his life after all

EEEEEEEEE~!!! Now I'm totally love struck right now!

I Did Something Nice... ^_^

On Wed, Oct 23, during lunch hour, I had a sudden craving for chocolate, so I went to Coffee Bean & Tea Leaves which is nearby my office building to satisfy my cravings.

I ordered a large cup of hot chocolate and a slice of chocolate fudge cake and settled down on a sofa to indulge myself. I haven't had a really posh treat for so long, so I decided, what the heck, just lay back and enjoy myself before going back to that dreadful dreary office which had a slave-driver for a boss.

While I ate, I took out my art file and continued with inking my artwork, then sketched something to express my feeling at that moment in the cafe. Then suddenly, out of the blue, I thought of drawing a gift art for the Coffee Bean workers to express my gratitude for letting a simple girl like me be able to enjoy the best thing in life for that 1 and a half hour. I did it for fun, actually. Never meant it to be something serious.

I whipped out a piece of paper and using my drawing pen, sketched me drinking my chocolate and holding a peace sign, and drew a speech bubble on top saying "Thank you very much, Coffee Bean. Everything was perfect!" Then I finished my food and drink and stood that piece of gift art against the cup before leaving.

Later, after work, while I waited for my bf to pick me outside the Coffee Bean cafe, one of the waitress approached me and thanked me for the gift art. I asked, "How did you know it was me?" She said, "Coz I recognize your order, ma'am. Thank you so much. We appreciate your gesture."

It was never meant for anything special, it was just for fun. But later, for the rest of the day, I felt rather...warm and fuzzy inside. I guess that's what doing nice things feel like :)
Wednesday, June 27, 2007 | By: BlackGargie

Hello Everybody ;)

A newbie here. Hope I get everyone's approval and attention around the world.

I am a budding mangaka writer who wish to enter the manga world in which many mangaka-s such as Fujio F. Fujiko, Takeshi Inoue, Shou Makura and many, many more have inspired me to do so. I'm also dabbling in writing and also would like to try my luck being like J.R.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, C.S. Lewis, Tom Clancy and other big shot writers who have made their mark in.

Since I was a child I had always had this love for drawing and writing (you can check it out in my account at http://illusionevenstar.deviantart.com for my art and www.fanfiction.net/~blackgargie for my fanfics). I've always loved writing essays and compositions when I was a kid. LOL Most of my classmates would groan in frustration whenever the teacher starts saying, "OK, class, today we're doing a composition on..." and I'll be the only one cheering, which earned me a lot of glares.

Anywho, I love to express myself in any way possible and I thought, hey, why not try my luck in writing in blogs? It's a good way to express myself and also to vent out things I would dare not say in public.

Wish me luck on my dreams to pursue a career in manga or fiction-writing and I hope to hear many pennies for my thoughts from you! ;)