Tuesday, March 28, 2017 | By: BlackGargie

Another Death in the Family... (Part 4)


Continue from Part 3...

Last Tuesday was the official funeral. All of us had to wake up really early to help out with the moving of the coffin and stuff. We all had to be dressed in ceremonial colours, so it had to be white top and black bottom, although the kids can be a little lenient on the bottom.

Took us a while to look for it, and at the ladies section, there was absolutely no chance of finding a plain white no-print shirt around, so I had no choice to shop at the men's section, where we finally found it, and just at my size too (I wear L or XL for the women's clothing, since I'm a bit on the plus side, so I have to go for either M or L for the men's measurement). The shirt was a little translucent, and body-fitting, but nothing another white shirt underneath wouldn't fix.

Anyway, we had to wake up real early on the day itself to get the kids all dressed up, help to move the coffin into the church van, grab a quick breakfast and all that. Arrived at the church just in time to usher people in to their seats. Lots of people came, well, lots of those who are immediate family, anyways. My hub's extended family was pretty big, so yeah, quite a bit of a turn out.

My two buddies showed up as well to pay their respects after I told them on the day of grandma in law's death, mainly because my gal pal's parents are sort of acquaintance/friends with my in-laws, and my lunch buddy's mom is friends with the family and that he is related to me by marriage since his cousin married my hub's cousin, but I digress.

I'm not Catholic, so I don't know much about how Catholic funerals and processions go, but I wasn't surprised that a lot of reciting through their cookie-cutter booklet was involved. It seems that they have a standard ritual and phrases and reciting and hymn songs to sing for a Catholic funeral and they have that all in their PC, all they needed was to change the name of the deceased and print it out tout suite. Like I said, cookie-cutter and all script-based.

I remember when my grandpa passed away, my aunts and my grandma and my mom had a really huge heated debate, or argument, to be more precise, about how to go about my grandpa's funeral. My grandma wanted to honour the Chinese tradition and do a Chinese style funeral where it's the usual open casket, pay respects then cremation kind of thing, but my radically religious born-again aunts wanted to have a Christian funeral with burial and all that church ceremonial jazz, coz having a shrine and keeping the ashes, to them, is idol-worshipping, which clashes with one of the Ten Commandments, and of course, my mom would prefer to take my grandma's side coz she's not as insane as my aunts. In the end, they decided to compromise and do both: the Christian ceremony in the church with the prayer rituals and blessings and last rites, and then to the crematorium where people pay their last respects through open casket and then head off to cremate and keep his ashes.

During my grandpa's funeral (I'm Protestant btw), there was no booklet involved, all were straight reading from the Bible and tons of prayers involved, slightly spontaneous in nature. And unlike the colour code we were wearing (prolly a Foochow tradition), we could wear anything we like as long as it's dark coloured, but the moment we entered the church, we had to don the huge black church robes with a colour tag on our sleeve to show ranking in the family. I couldn't remember what was the colour of my ranking as grandchild. Prolly blue.


There were plenty of tears involved of course during the funeral, mostly the old timer elderly who were closer of age to grandma in law and knew her all their lifetime. Some of the younger ones or same age peers as us also cried, but my mom in law definitely was the one who cried the hardest as we paid our final respects to her open casket and thanked the people for coming over to attend the funeral.

Unfortunately I was the only one unable to follow the procession for the grave send off bcoz of Angel. The weather was not too good (a bit on the rainy side), and in our customs, babies are not exactly allowed to attend. Something to do with not wanting a child so young exposed to the spirit world, I guess. I felt bad for being the only one not attending the burial, but gotta respect my heritage customs.

Technically I was informed beforehand the night before that I won't be able to follow the grave send off procession and that I have to follow one of our neighbours who are not going for the grave send off as well and hitch a ride with them home. I originally planned to maybe meet up with my buddies at the end of the funeral service and hang out with them for breakfast or something before going home, but they hightailed outta there before I could even say hi to them. So yeah, cue the awkward silence and occasional obligatory small talk while in the car with my neighbour until I got home.

Days leading up to the funeral, there had been church members and some family members coming over to pay their respects as well as join in for the vigil prayer. After funeral was over and done with, there were the last few days of the prayer rites post-funeral, so to accommodate them, dad in law hired in catering for them to eat for almost a week. We had awesome food for a whole week, though because I need to keep my girls in company and in line, I skipped the prayer rites and let my hubs go on behalf of us. Anyways, like I said, I'm not Catholic anyways.

That all said, the home just felt a little slightly lonelier with grandma in law gone now. No more screaming and nagging from her to "keep it down in there", no more obsessive gate-closing and door-peeking or lock-testing (grandma in law was born at a bad part of town where crime was rampant, so yeah, she brought her paranoia here to Brunei), no more hearing the sound of her cane clicking on the floor, no more hearing her shuffling from her room to the bathroom every 2 hours in the middle of the night, no more absentminded questions and constantly asking the same question every 5-10 seconds because of her goldfish memories... Yeah, annoying little things, but still part of our life that we may never experience anymore.

Let's hope things will be back to normal after this, or maybe start a new normal.

RIP, Grandma in law. You will be missed.


Monday, March 27, 2017 | By: BlackGargie

Another Death in the Family... (Part 3)


Continue from Part 2...

My heart still feels heavy once in a while whenever I think of it, and I'm feeling it now while I write this part.

Grandma in law officially passed on around 1.30pm on the 18th this month.

After 2 months of being a bit of a stubborn old lady, going on occasional hunger strikes and only very minimal eating and drinking, literally starving herself weak until some of her muscles and even her jaw atrophied from disuse; a week of delirium where she kept calling out to people every 20-30 mins all day and all night for no reason other than being needy and seeking attention and keeping our poor maid up all night for a week; and 3 days of sudden silence, looking kinda restless and hardly slept, she had finally received her long awaited visit from the Grim Reaper.

Thing is, our maid, me and my two girls were the last people to see her alive.

On the 17th midnight, she was suddenly unresponsive, breathing shallow, and not even waking up when our maid was holding up her limbs and shaking it to see if there was any resistance or reaction. The maid was almost literally panicking and calling mom in law to double check her but when they found she was breathing normally, albeit slightly shallow and had a bit of rapid eye movement, our maid thought the worst was over.
Then on the 18th morning, as our maid and I monitored her from time to time, she was breathing fine n moving slight around, and we could see her chest rising and falling. The last time I checked her she was still moving her mouth a bit, showing that she's breathing. So so far, so good.

Then around 1.30pm, my little princess came to me and said the maid "needed help waking up great grandma". I was downstairs in the TV lounge so I quickly made my way there and rushed to her room and my heart just sank, I knew the moment I saw.

I had to be sure, so I check her pulse both at her neck and her wrist while the maid was calling out to her to see if she would respond, if there was still life in her. Nothing, She was stone cold, and I had to admit, even though I said I was prepared for it the whole time she was bedridden and all that, when it really happened, it still struck me with terror. It didn't hit me as bad as when my sister in law's little girl died, but it still made my heart sink with terror.

I had to keep a calm and straight face and calm the maid down, trying to hold it together while she frantically called my in-laws to come home, but inside I was shaking like a leaf. I went ahead and called my hubs to come home while the maid call my sis in law as well.

Then we tried to call the geriatric helpline maybe to get the medic to come over to double check, just in case we made wrong diagnosis, but no one pick up phone, so we call the hospital directly, but they told us we should be calling the ketua kampong (village head), not hospital, they don't deal with death procedures. So the maid call the ambulance, told them a white lie saying the grandma is unconscious, so they can get the medic over.

They came in about 15 minutes after the call and did the pulse check and everything and confirmed time of death, then dad in law brought the Bishop over to pray her last rites.

Princess kinda took her great grandma's death in stride, well, I had to tell her bluntly that "great grandma is dead" bcoz she doesn't get the metaphors like "passed on" or "gone" or "left to a better plc" or "forever sleep". When the medics came over to double check her and confirm her time of death, I think that's when the reality sunk in and she cried in Joe's arms. My sis in law's boys got the idea that their great grandma passed away, but I think bcoz of their experience with their sister's death, coupled with the fact that they weren't that close to their great grandma, they didn't react as strongly as Princess did. I feel a little sad for Angel bcoz she won't be able to remember her, and will only get to know her through tales and photos but not in person, and that my grandma in law didn't live to see her take her first steps.

But at least she's not suffering anymore.

I'd been keeping a straight face all day that day trying to calm my kids and put a strong front for them and for my mom in law, but once we were in private, I cried in Joe's arms, bcoz it was still so terrifying, and I was shaking so hard after that, it was like... well can't really explain it other than reality hit me like a ton of bricks that I just witness a death firsthand, in front of me, unlike when I was away from the scene when my sis in law's little girl passed away. I mean I have been prepared for it, my looming feeling was all over me, but seeing first hand someone's last moments and literally feeling no pulse on her cold body, it was kinda terrifying. Now it felt almost unreal to me.

I'm OK now, really, just the occasional heavy heart when I think about it.

My in-laws started making all the arrangements, from calling the embalmers and the papers to print the obituary and to all the church members to handle the funeral procedures, while I had to watch my girls make sure they don't get in the way. Great grandma was embalmed by the church-assigned embalmer, and it was interesting because I've always thought you need to bring the body to the morgue to let them do it in a professional cold slab or something, but instead they just needed to cut a hole through her abdomen and drain the fluid from there and insert the embalming fluid in. The coffin-makers came and set her inside her coffin, which was placed in our living room, and we added some of her earthly possessions into the coffin for her to bring with her. She looked so peaceful in the coffin, but at the same time a little scary. Well, I wouldn't put it as scary. More like...morbid fascination, sorta.

My hub's family is Catholic, so they had this week-long vigil thing where they have to light a candle and keep it lit for 7 days to "light the way for the soul" or something like that. They used those regular white medium size candles and not the church-ordained big candle that can burn through for a week (not sure why they didn't get that), so my in-laws and the maid took turns staying awake to make sure the candle doesn't blow out and replace the candles with new ones when it burns out.

My mom in law was surprisingly taking this slightly well. I mean she did cry hard on the day she died, but after that she hadn't shed much tears, all the funeral arrangements and church  procedures kept her occupied, I guess.

I'm just worried what this might do to her emotionally and mentally, since she was very adamant about keeping her alive and in denial about her declining condition, as well as her sudden drastic change in her behaviour after her granddaughter's death (the incessant churchgoing and everything). Dad in law did persuade her during the few days before her death, telling her that she should heed the doctor's advice after her last check up to just look after her the best we can, keep her comfortable and don't force her to eat bcoz the docs could already tell from experience she didn't have long to live. Even our maid tried to persuade her to stay at home more and look after her instead of going to church so much coz her days are numbered. She was in denial at first and didn't want to accept it, but she slowly cut down on her church going and stayed home more to pray for her and stuff, even invited some church members to pray for her well being, but she had always been slightly in denial about her condition.

On the day of her death, my dad in law had to reinforce his persuasion, saying that it's fine, at least she's no longer suffering. She kept occupied with the arrangements, but I'm just worried she might get even worse, going to church even more often than usual. Or worse, decided to be a nun altogether.

It's farfetched but who knows.


I called my dad to let him know as well, since he was also quite concerned about her well being since it happened on the day we were staying at his place during our Xmas shopping that time. He sent his condolences, apologizing for not being able to be there, since he didn't want to be a burden while everyone is busy with the funeral arrangements, and that it was so sudden he might not be able to get tickets to come over.

To think I was originally planning to renew my IC and visa that day, luckily we didn't go. We decided the night before grandma in law's death that we do it next week, coz my hubs got stuff in the office to finish and it'll be too rush. Luckily we changed our minds at the last minute. If not, the maid will have to deal with it all alone, I can't imagine being in her shoes.

Finale on Part 4...

Another Death in the Family... (Part 2)


Continue from Part 1...

Come a week before CNY, Grandma was finally getting discharged in the late afternoon. Had to monitor her eating habits, because if she goes on another hunger strike again, had to admit her bk to hospital before she kills herself from low blood sugar.

Still didn't ease my looming 💀💀💀 feeling though.

My buddies think that maybe if she see the festive season she may give up the idea of dying, though te docs said if she doesn't eat, her blood sugar level will drop, and that is what will cause the risk of cardiac arrest.

I wouldn't hold my breath though, she's super stubborn when she's moody. A few times when she went on hunger strike, she slapped everyone's hand away whenever they tried to feed her. The maid, my mom in law, her fav relative from Sandakan and Singapore who came to visit... Everyone. Even the nurse when they try to give her medicine.

First thing my MIL did when Grandma was officially home was nag her to eat, then during dinner keep wanting to force feed her and make her finish the entire plate of food. In my mind, I was like "She just got out of hospital and she just slowly getting out of hunger strike, please don't go force feeding people; her stomach can't take it". And after that, she wanted to force feed her the full dose of medicine, even when grandma was complaining that she was nauseous, she still insist that she eat. Luckily my dad in law interfere and say "If she can't eat don't force it, or else she'll get frustrated and go on hunger strike again!" before my mom in law finally backed off.  😓😓😓

After CNY and into February, grandma in law was still very tedious, didn't want to eat, and even if she did, only a few small tiny spoon, and only drink one or two sips. She was literally like a skeleton in our home. Hate to say this but her appearance made me think of the babayaga aka The Russian boogeywoman at times.

Towards the middle of the month, every night she would will wake up in delirium every 10-20 mins starting midnight just for a sip of water and also want people to accompany her. I felt sorry for the maid, every night never get a good night's rest. At first, my MIL thinks the maid's bluffing and tries to stay a couple of nights with the grandma, she barely lasted a night before she woke up the maid to give her a hand. LOL wat's the point? After the second night she surrendered, didn't want to do it, throw it all back to the maid.

From midnight onwards, she would wake people up every 10-20 mins, can keep it up until 3-4am, sometimes even until almost sunrise. She didn't just wake people up for drink, she wanted the company. She was literally too weak to reach for a drink or get up. I think some of her muscles might have atrophied.

She was basically just waiting to die, but Angel of Death is taking its sweet time to do it. And whatever little food and drink she ingested is somehow keeping her alive. Kinda confusing though, she was too weak to move around or anything, but she's still strong enough to clamp her mouth shut or push people's hand away when they try to feed her or pinch people when they try to manhandle her. Sometimes you think you managed to feed her, but she actually just store it in her mouth like a little kid, refuse to swallow, and when you check her, she will spit or just drool all the food out and make a mess.

Why is it, when people pray for death, they live longer, but people who beg to live longer end up dying early?

Now that grandma is finally home from the hospital, my in-laws are back to being bible-thumping church goers with a vengeance. Everything leave the maid to do and busy with other people's affairs and praying for other people's sickness and health except their own mother, and then come home only know how to complain say maid don't do good job on this or that, only know how to give unsolicited advice to us without knowing the real situation. If you worry so much about us doing a bad job, you stay home and pay attention to what's going on at home then, don't just complain about it!

The other day my mom in law used a very accusing tone to tell me to bring the kids downstairs, don't let them stay cooped up in the room upstairs all day or my kids won't get better. I shot her back and say "Of course I got bring them down, if you don't believe me, you ask the maid or check the CCTV". She then quickly changed her tone when she can tell I was upset and said "No la, I'm just telling you only~"

Then there was also one night when my baby angel was sick, she went into her busybody mode and say "When was the last dose of fever medicine you give Elena?"

I said "Her temperature is normal, I stopped giving her."

Then she was like "Why did you stop?? You should continuously give! Later her fever come back how??"

And I was like "Hello? I monitored her temperature from day till night, and it has been stable all day. If she has no fever spike, what for I give? Doctor already said if fever, then give, if no fever don't give it willy-nilly. If she gets poisoning how?"

Then she mumble "I'm just telling you to give her so that her fever doesn't come back ma~"

She HAD to have the last word, which was SO fucking annoying. In the end I ignored her and didn't give. I'm not about to risk my daughter's health over your so-called ideas about giving medicine.

She was already thinking negatively of me ever since I become stay at home mom. If grandma in law wasn't sick and lucky enough I'm at home to look after the house and the kids, she prolly will think I'm more freeloader, never get job. Nowadays even the maid also sometimes get frustrated with her, every little thing wanna make a long ass complaint, and she can't do her work bcoz she has to stay there and listen to her rant. It got to the point where my maid had no choice but to retaliate, "Sorry ibu, if you're not satisfied with my work, please demo it yourself for me, then I know what to do". Then my mom in law assume she was being insubordinate and go complain to my dad in law, then my dad in law gets frustrated by her long ass complaining and take it out on the maid, scolding her for "fighting" with mom in law.

I don't believe anyone else can handle doing my maid's job, man.

Early into March, my maid had her job cut out for her, coz now the grandma not only night time keeping her awake at night every 10-20 mins, now even daytime also want attention, calling the maid "amah~ amah~" every 20-30 mins. Depending on the time between each call, we have to guess whether she's just calling for attention or really urgently want something. If there is a long gap between calls, then she's just asking for attention. If the gap is short, then she either really urgently needs something or she's pissed that she's being ignored and demands more attention. I pity that my maid don't even get a break.

Had to say this, but my in-laws should be glad I'm not working right now, so at least I can pay attention to my own kids and lessen her burden a bit. I bet for now they don't dare to pester me to go look for work because if they don't have me, who is going to look after the house and the kids if something happens to the grandma n get hospitalised again? LOL

Funny though, my grandma in law only wanted attention frm the maid or my mom in law, but if other people respond to her she didn't want to reply us. There was one time where the maid was cooking in the kitchen n she keep calling n calling until she was literally screaming "AMAH~ AMAH~!!!" I went to her n told her "The amah is cooking, wait for a while. What do you need, just tell me, I'll get it for you", she just looked away and ignored me 😑😑😑

Towards the middle of this month, for the last couple of nights she suddenly stopped calling out in the middle of the night, but still very restless and couldn't sleep. First night she stopped calling out, my maid was suddenly super worried and woke up every 2 hours to check on her, coz she's so used to hearing her calling out 😅😅😅

Her last check up with the doctor, all the doctor advised was just let her stay as comfortable as possible, don't force her to eat, let her eat what she can. It was as if the doctor knew she didn't have long. From there the looming 💀💀💀 feelings had returned, and not just me, even our maid felt it too. Mom in law also may or may not have felt it, but at the time, she was still in denial, thinking she could still get better if she would just snap out of her depression and just eat, eat, eat. She did, however, decided to give my eldest sister in law a call so that she could speak to the grandma just in case worse case scenario happens.

The next day, Grandma in law stayed in her room today, finally sleeping after days of skipping naps in favour of calling out and nights of staying up calling out. I think from there, reality is starting to sink in to my mom in law, as she actually stayed home more and prayed for the grandma instead of going to special church events that she had never missed in her life. At dinner, both my in-laws were also even discussing when to bring in the pastor to read the grandma her last rites. Everyone was slowly starting to feel the looming 💀💀💀 feeling for grandma already. So we were all keeping ourselves prepared

Though I was already pretty much prepared since she started doing badly at the hospital...

More on Part 3...
Sunday, March 26, 2017 | By: BlackGargie

Another Death in the Family... (Part 1)


Another death has occurred in my family, and it was something that wasn't entirely unexpected. Lemme just start from the very beginning, with my grandma in law being hospitalised after taking a fall from the stairs.

We were away for the hols to do some Xmas shopping last year when my grandma in law took a tumble down a flight of stairs after she may have lost her balance go up or down the stairs. Fractured ribs, cracked lip, cut forehead, bruised arm, etc... were sustained from the fall, and at the time, due to the severity of her injuries, she couldn't be discharged until she gets the green light from the docs. Our maid had be busy looking after her to cook meals or do any of the household chores, so during that time, I had to pull my weight around the house while the maid was away.

Grandma in law stayed for quite a while, having to depend on the doctor results and check up, waiting for his green light so she could be discharged early. Uurrrgghhh... Doing housework while carrying a 9++kg baby on a carrier 😵😵😵 RIP backbone

Though, one good thing abt temporary not having the maid: no kids to hog the maid and no kids coming over to bother us coz there is no way in hell I'll help to look after my SIL's three monsters along with my 2 kids. Not for free anyway. A bit tedious coz I had to multitask and do housework and watch my kids at the same time, but at least when things wind down, there's peace and quiet. No kids fighting and screaming for supremacy and no maid yelling at them to STFU. Basically no drama, and no freeloaders especially my SIL and her husband.

They will have to deal with their own kids, stay at their own home, and SIL would have to take leave to look after the kids while the hubby go to work. No fucking way are they leaving those 3 monsters here, if there is such thing as a basement in Brunei, I would kick them all down there and leave them LOL

Technically if Jasmine's hubby's brother and mother still alive, at least they can dump them at Seria and let them help to look after the 3 monsters, but sadly the brother died from obesity related illness and the mom from relapsed cancer, and the wife had her own 4 kids to look after, so no one in Seria can help

During her stay at the hospital, grandma had a very sore neck, prolly sprained it from the fall, can't even move without causing a headache.You know how it is, old people, when they get hurt, it's 10 times worse than us younger people. Everything else is fine, just the neck giving her the problem.

After that accident, my dad in law put his foot down to convert the maid's room downstairs into the grandma's room, which is right next to the downstairs bathroom, then maybe extend the house backwards n build a new room for the maid to stay. She used to have her own room upstairs and my in-laws have been telling her to move downstairs for her convenience and for her own safety for years, but needless to say, old people once they're used to one place, they're very reluctant to change, absolutely refusing to move downstairs.

During her stay at the hospital as well, she had been praying for death almost everyday. Back then, just experiencing a little bit of pain, she already say "Die la, die la", and if we call an ambulance for her if she had any health problems or if we try to get her to see the doctor for her health issues, she'd just say " Don't want la, just lemme die".

At the hospital, she had been complaining "I'm dying, I'm dying, my neck is killing me", my mom in law had to scold her, "Don't say die. God said not your time yet, stop upsetting the other patients." It got to the point where one of the patients complain to the grandma saying "I'm trying to be positive so I can recover from my cancer treatment, please don't say die." Sadly grandma was too old and too deaf to hear her,so it was literally "fall in deaf ears" situation.

She was discharged about a week later, though our planned Xmas open house was definitely cancelled coz of grandma's condition. It'll be so weird and cramped if we do it, with the grandma's bed downstairs in the living room temporarily while her new room is being fixed. Even CNY open house were up in the air because of it.

Doc said bcoz of her advance age, her healing might take months. You knw how it is, old people tend to heal super slow, and then her body started to get immune to the painkillers, but we didn't dare to ask for stronger painkillers for fear of addiction. So sometimes the meds took longer to kick in and can hear her moaning in pain, asking for death again (Although technically she was already begging for death wen she reached her mid-80s 😓😓😓)

A few days later, Grandma was sent to hospital again, coz she'd been pooing black. They were worried there might be intestinal infection, but I think it's prolly her lack of eating and taking too much painkillers. We kept our fingers crossed but at the same time prepare for the worse. And that  meant another few days without maid. Pro: no little monsters; con: have to do own housework LOL

Yeah true, a little tough with a clingy baby, but I managed for a week, it's not the end of the world LOL

Xmas was a bit of a gloomy one, coz mom in law and maid were too busy to look after grandma to cook Xmas dinner 😅 At the time, there was a high chance that we had to have take out for Xmas dinner, and it was a slightly solemn and gloomy Xmas that year, coz grandma was still being detained at the hospital. We were hoping she'd recover enough to be discharged, but the looming 💀💀💀 feeling in my heart is lingered, like it was super prepared for the inevitable. Especially wen my mom in law said she looked so pitiful and no mood at the hospital, like she's "given up", as my mom in law phrased it

There were a couple of weeks where my sis in law couldn't take leave coz the auditor finally arrived at her office, and her hubby has used up all his leave for that year, and bcoz grandma was still in the hospital, the maid has to stay with her, so no choice but to dump those 3 monsters here for me to look after until my sis in law's auditor finishes the audit before she can work at home again. My dad in law made it clear to her that if they have to dump their kids here, she has to feed and clean them first before leaving bcoz I am not gonna do it for them when I need to handle my own kids, and they have to settle their own kids' meals coz I'm not gonna cook for them, not for free anyways, especially when some of the kids very picky about their food.

The looming 💀💀💀 feeling got more and more real when I overheard my dad in law talking on the phone saying that the doctor wanted to see him and my mom in law around 2pm coz grandma hadn't been eating or drinking for a few days already. It was a pretty clear indication that she'd really given up like my mom in law said. I hoped I was wrong and I'm just being paranoid, but usually when I have a strong feeling about something, it's usually right.

The doc claimed there's no problem with her stomach or whatever, no internal bleeding, so the black stool may be bcoz of her medication. She had a moment where there is traces of blood in her urine, but other than that, they don't see any other problems. But it seems like she really given up ordi, can't do anything, can't force her to feel or whatever.

I was more worried about my mom in law n how will she cope wen the inevitable happens. She had always been very in denial about grandma getting close to death and whatnot, if it happens, dunno how she cope. She's already become super devout in going to church ever since my sis in law's daughter Ashley passed away, just worried she might be even more worse if grandma's time has come

A few days later, I heard frm my dad in law saying that one side of her face looked a little bit skewed, might be a mini stroke. After an MRI examination, it was confirmed she had a minor stroke, may or may not have to make her put on the respirator tubes, u know, the double prong tube people put against their noses for them to breathe. Docs couldn't do anything anymore at this point coz she's super old, its either she gets better or gets worse. Just had to be prepared for the worst.

Sigh~~ its situations like these that makes me very tempted to rub it in on my in-laws, saying " AREN'T U GLAD I'M NOT WORKING?? " LOL If I'm working, WHO is going to stay home to look after the monsters when no one else is available? If I'm working, I'm not going to take leave for u guys for free LOL

I did feel a slight bit bad though, at the time, if the worse case scenario happens, coz the maid's new room is almost complete, 50% done. Not so much as waste, more like a little too late, coz my dad in law kept putting it off and took a 2nd fall to get him to do it. He should've done it earlier, IMO, but  he wasn't persistent enough, grandma say no, he prolly should've ignored her and do it anyways.

During that time period as well, I witnessed the perfect example of a pessimist and an optimist in the family, all I need to do is ask my parents in law how is the grandma. Dad in law says she's better coz she's eating, mom in law says not good coz she has to eat through a feeding tube coz she had no strength to chew her food. She has to use the feeding tube, and have to get her those kind of special milk that old bedridden ppl drink/eat via feeding tube. Reminds me of my maternal grandpa when he was bedridden from his Parkinson's Disease.

My 💀💀💀 looming feeling got closer when one day my dad in law said that the docs said grandma is touch and go situation, may go to cardiac arrest any day. Because of her depression, she's literally not eating or drinking, and sometimes can go for days without talking. She was hooked on IV drip to keep her hydrated, but the other day she actually ripped out her feeding tube. They tried to put it back in but she fought them, screaming and begging for death, and when the doc tried to see if she will finally eat on her own, she still don't want to eat, might have to put the feeding tube in again. The preliminary results at the time was if she kept starving herself she would go to cardiac arrest at any moment due to the declining blood sugar in her body.

At that time, I thought if my 💀💀💀 looming feeling doesn't go away, I have a terrible feeling that she might not make it for CNY. Tbh, I'm more or less prepared for the inevitable, just not sure how the rest of the family will take it, especially my mom in law.

In the WhatApp group chat when I was chatting with my buddies about the option of euthanasia, so that she could go with dignity instead of starvation or cardiac arrest. But unfortunately I don't think it's legal here in Brunei, it's considered suicide, and Muslims don't condone suicide, and my in-laws are Catholics, allowing her to die like that is considered assisted suicide/murder, its a sin, sorta. Only if you were brain dead and had to rely on life support and there is no chance in hell of coming back, they'd prolly actually suggest to pull the plug, but euthanasia shots is prolly a no-no here in Brunei.


We kept our fingers crossed that she'll at least make it till CNY, if not CNY will always be a sad reminder for my in-laws and they won't be able to enjoy it. Mom in law was still in denial, still thinks she should hang in there and get better and come home. I could tell she knew worse case scenario will happen, but she didn't want to acknowledge it, acting like as if grandma is just normal sick as usual. Even my dad in law told sis in law to bring her kids to see grandma ASAP, as if hinting us to be prepared for the inevitable.

Personally, at the time, I thought she had lived a long life, tbh, if it was her time, they should just let her go. Prolonging her life is just as cruel as taking it away.

Later down the month, grandma in law was improving, sorta, from what I eavesdropped at my dad in law n sis in law convo. She was finally sitting up and talking after the sis in law brought the kids to visit her one night. The optimist in me is after seeing all her grandkids, she finally had a reason to live. The pessimist in me is saying she favours grandsons than granddaughters, seeing as she was more motivated after seeing my sis in law's boys than my girls 😂😂😂

A couple of weeks before CNY, the latest news about grandma wa that she had a big improvement now after seeing the kids, sitting up, talking a bit and finally eating properly without the tubes n IV drips anymore. Ugh, and during that time my sis in law can't stop bragging about how well grandma is doing thanks to her kids. Like as if we don't make an effort to visit 😒😒😒 OK, I admit I'm a bit jealous, but she didn't have to show off n rub it in like that. It just makes it even more obvious that grandma loves the boys more than my girls 😞😞😞

Grandma's condition, while still being hospitalize, was on and off. Sometimes she was supposed to be discharged on a certain day but bcoz she went into one of her mood swings again, she go on hunger strike and had a fever. If she doesn't eat and her blood sugar level keeps plummeting, they had to reschedule her discharge again. Like I said, on and off, I think maybe coz of her depression, she has mood swings, and when she's like that, she will go hunger strike. At one point, she had a stomach bacterial infection and fever, and went on another hunger strike, which caused her discharge time to just keep getting pushed back further and further.

She was so moody she slapped the doctor on the face during check up, which surprised me that she had the strength to do that considering how little she ate 😅😅😅



More on Part 2...
Thursday, November 17, 2016 | By: BlackGargie

In-Law Problems

Heya, guys, haven't been updating this blog for quite a long time. Ever since my baby angel (nickname for Jr #2) was born, I had to be a supermama and look after both my girls as a stay at home mom while my hubs is out there doing two jobs, one his main one as the IT manager and his part-time job as a used games salesman. It's a little exhausting for both of us on our front, but we managed to find some kind of balance and getting on with life the best we could.

Though I've just been a little peeved these few days, coz my in-laws were being a little annoying lately. Just the other day, my mom in law just popped into my room for no reason and was like "Shouldn't you be feeding your baby dinner? It's so late already!" and I look at the clock and I was like "Dude, its only 6.30pm. What, do kids have a dinner curfew or something?"

She keeps insisting like "It's late! It's SO late! Kids shouldn't be eating late! You can't let them follow our eating schedule" I was thinking "I don't see you complain about the other kids or my eldest princess when they eat at around 8pm sometimes. What if the maid didn't cook anything? What am I gonna feed them? Dirt?"

And sometimes even my maid can be a fucking idiot and not even prepare dinner for baby angel if its past the 6.30pm marker, its like c'mon! I know your following the missus' orders, but have some common sense!
If it's past the dinner curfew, I'm not allowed to feed my kids? Should I let them starve and send them to bed without dinner?

Fuck.

They're lucky I'm a tolerant n patient person, if not, I would've shouted at them saying "You're not entitled to lecture me about childcare when you think attending a church meeting is more important than staying at home to celebrate your grandchild's birthday!"

It's true, they literally told us to do the happy birthday singing and cake-cutting ceremony early BEFORE dinner during princess' birthday because they have a church meeting to attend to that they can't miss. I mean who DOES that? Church is more important than your own family? I know you wanna love God and all that and put God above everything else, but come on! Really? Didn't the Scripture teach you something about loving your family and caring for them and whatnot? Which part of the Bible says that you should abandon everything, even your own family who have birth and raised you to who you are right now, just to serve a religion that allows pain and suffering on earth to happen?

It's like ever since my 2nd sis in law's daughter passed away, my mom in law suddenly became so devout, as if she's trying to escape reality by praying the grief away, and then dragging my dad in law into it, and now everything revolves around their church schedule. Nothing else mattered. They complain about sleeping late and being tired because they need to do so many other things at home before bedtime. Then don't fucking go to church for once so you can get your things done, you idiot! Where are your priorities? To kill yourself over a church issue? I'm pretty sure God would not want THAT much of a devotion to happen.

I'm not trying to be mean, and I know it's prolly her way of coping with grief, but its been 2, 3 years since she passed, praying is not gonna bring her back to life! It's really ridiculous!

And now they're kinda picking on me because I chose to be a stay at home mother than out there working

They don't seem to understand that even though we have a maid, the new addition of Jr #2 has made her job more stressful, not only she has to cope with housework, she has to deal with my sis in law's 3 kids whom she dumped on us during workdays coz she's too cheap-ass to hire her own maid. The only reason the maid is coping is because I'm at home to pick up the slack and look after my own two girls, which gives her time to cope with the other kids as well as the housework, but my in-laws think I have it easy because all I do is stay at home doing nothing but tend to my girls' needs, that me staying at home is being lazy and putting too much monetary burden on their son.

They want me to work so I can earn my keep and not burden my hubs' wallet, saying that me staying home tending too much to my kids is spoiling them, when they don't understand that if I go to work, it'll put more burden on the maid to perform, and I can't trust her to look after my kids if she can't even concentrate enough on the other 3 kids who monopolizes her attention. I know my in-laws mean well, but I don't want the maid to suddenly ring me at the office one day begging me to come home because she can't cope.

I'm already trying earn my keep by doing odd jobs online, but they don't believe working at home brings food to the table, even though I proved it already to them by showing the USD$300 per chapter freelance story writing I've been doing last year. They even have the galls to give me an ultimatum and said "Either you go out to work, or you stay at home and we will fire the maid and pay YOU instead to do all the housework."

I'm not really sure they mean is as a joke or whatever, but hello?! WTF?! I married your son to be his WIFE! I did not marry into this family to be your MAID!!

As usual my arguments were brush aside as excuses by my in-laws, and they've been quite passive-aggressive to me ever since.

And don't even get me started on them always giving me unsolicited advice when I am the one who has to deal with the consequence of said unsolicited advice.

Just a few months ago, my mom in law kinda lectured me on spoiling Baby Angel too much, that I shouldn't carry her all the time, or feed her sideways on the bed lying down, that I should carry her while feeding and put her down once she's asleep or done, then I will have free time on my own to do my thing. I told her that I have tried that method and it just get Baby Angel even more agitated and wake up even easier because there is no feeling of my arms cradling her, and her being a light sleeper also didn't really help the situation. I told her "Mi, there is a reason why I lie down to feed her so that once she falls asleep, I can just slip away quietly with no fuss or muss and get my things done."

You know what she did?

She basically gave me a "I'm not going to lose this argument with you whipper-snapper" and quickly changed the subject, saying "Then how about dealing with that spoiled attitude of your little baby there? Liara was SO much easier to look after than her!"

I swear I wanted to just slap her for calling my baby angel "spoiled". It's called "attachment parenting", you outdated old timer! Of course my Princess was easier to look after, you made me go back to work when you started that boutique business, so I had no choice but to let everyone else but me look after her, OF COURSE she was going to be easier to handle. Now that I'm a stay at home mom, I am closer and around often to be with Baby Angel, so naturally she's more attached to me than most! WTF, you dildo!


It may be far-fetched, and I may be thinking too much, but I have the nagging feeling they're like this because Jr #2 wasn't a boy despite me exhibiting all the tell-tale signs of having a baby boy pregnancy

Sorry about the rant, just really peeved, dunno why my in-laws are really nitpicky and passive-aggressive lately, it's getting on my nerves. It's a bit of a sore subject these days in my home, and I now have a phobia of eating alone at the table with my in-laws because they are bound to bring that up, and I notice they always wait until my hubs is not around to do so because they know my hubs will support me and take my side and escalate the discussion into a heated argument where they don't win.

I don't care if my in-laws find this and read this, if it is the only way to get it through their thick skull about how I feel, so be it.

Sigh~~ I really can't wait for the day we have enough to move out...